Dating Apps Have Been a Losing Game for Me
Guys, dating apps absolutely suck. I've spent thousands of dollars on them, and I haven't had one work out. Well, I guess I did get married 15 years ago, so I guess that was one. But since I got divorced, I haven't had anything more than a first date with an average woman. I hope she's listening to this, because I would have loved to do more than a first date with her. But that's the truth: off of over a thousand dollars spent on dating apps, I haven't had anything more than a first date with an average woman, plus several dates with women who were catfishing or who were below average — women there's no way I would have approached in person.
Meanwhile, with cold approach, I can verify immediately that I find the woman attractive, and I only talk to the women I'm interested in. I literally got a date on my very first cold approach. Literally — a date on my very first cold approach. Then on the last cold approach I did, the woman ended up being married. And I'm like, whoops, sorry, I didn't see it. Why didn't you have a wedding ring on? She said, oh, my fingers won't. But I'm going to cold approach any woman I see who's attractive and who I think might be interested in me. I'm reading the body language. I'm reading the room. I'm being respectful. But if it looks like there's an opportunity to talk to this woman, I have a chance to give her a compliment: you're beautiful — are you single? And from there, instantly ask for a date. If she says, yes, I'm single — great. I'd love to go out with you. What's your phone number? Beautiful.
Why Cold Approach Feels So Good, Even When It Doesn't Work
Cold approach feels so good, even when it doesn't work. Because on dating apps, all you do is get rejected, waste time, waste money, and accomplish nothing. You don't meet anyone real. You waste your time. But with cold approach, it's like you just got out there and showed what kind of man you are. It feels so good. It doesn't feel good to sit there tapping the like button on dating-app profiles. That doesn't feel good. Because when I get rejected on a dating app, the odds were stacked against me from the beginning, and it doesn't feel good to play a losing game. And it doesn't feel good to support these dating apps that, in my view, are predatory and have intentionally made it so everybody's unhappy and using the app addictively.
For Women, Dating Apps Can Work — With Help
Now, for women, dating apps can absolutely work. But you should probably have a man go through and do it all for you. Because, I don't know, I feel like we guys just understand dating apps better. It seems women often struggle with dating apps. Obviously, there are women who are awesome with them, but most women I've talked to in real life have a real hard time with them. And I tell them: you should just outsource that. If you gave me a beautiful woman's profile, I could set a date up for her every single day. Just show up here at this time, show up here at this time. And literally, the guy would even pay most of the time — you'd have a free meal every day. You just have to go through and filter the guys, and then be direct with them. That's what I do. You tell the guy: look, do you want to take me out to this place at this time? If no, move on, loser. I know women have a harder time being direct like that. I want to get a woman who gives me her dating profile and lets me use it for her, and watch me line up date after date after date off that profile.
But guys, you should not be on dating apps unless you've got dating apps maxed in your favor — and for at least 90 percent of you, the answer is no. Most of you are not going to do well on dating apps. But you could do amazing at cold approach. I know this guy. He's a beautiful man. He's got shoulder-length blonde hair — who am I thinking of? Like Brad Pitt as Thor. This is a good-looking guy. He's not that tall, so that goes against him on dating apps, and he doesn't stand out on dating apps. He's this new-age love-and-light, play-a-guitar, sing-a-song-for-you kind of guy. He's got nice muscles, though — a nice chest. This guy's gorgeous. And he just bombs on dating apps. But he also doesn't want to cold approach in person. I told him: you need to be cold approaching. I guarantee there are so many women you could walk up to and say, hey, are you single? Oh, you're not? Great. I'd love to take you out on a date. This guy could probably get more dates than me doing that. And yet he struggles with dating because dating apps left him feeling horrible — and then he doesn't want to cold approach. So guys, cold approach is the solution.
Be Respectful, But Get to the Point
Now, cold approach obviously should be respectful. You read the room. I'm trying to cold approach in the friendliest environments possible. I'm not trying to be creepy and chase some woman down at the park or something like that. Be respectful. But at the same time, if there's an opportunity to talk with somebody, get to the point. What's the weather like? Great. Are you single? Do you want to go out with me? Get to the point. What I've done over the years at yoga — well, mainly since I've been divorced — is have so many meaningless conversations, so many forgettable conversations. And I probably would have gotten 10, 20, 30 dates if instead of those meaningless conversations it went: she says, oh, that was a great workout. I say, yeah, it was. You're beautiful. Are you single? She says yes. Great — will you go on a date with me? Even if she says no, you can feel good. You showed what kind of a man you are. You took a risk.
One of the things I've just realized is that taking a risk for the right reason leaves me feeling good and respecting myself. Cold approach is an environment where I take risks that feel good, and then I respect myself. Whereas on dating apps, I take risks and I don't respect myself, because I'm sitting at home on a screen. Now, maybe you have a corporate job, or maybe your life's set up in a way where you can't do anything but dating apps. If so, great, that's fine — use them. But if your life's set up where you can get out there and cold approach women, then in my experience, using dating apps says to yourself that you're a loser, that you don't value your time, and that all you are is some superficial picture. There are so many dating coaches who try to help men optimize their profiles, and so few by comparison who teach cold approach. Because yes, cold approach is more intimidating than downloading an app. But cold approach is so much more fun. And as a man, we should be looking for fun. It's not just fun for us, though. It's fun for a woman who's single to get cold approached by a guy she wants to go out with. You can just make some woman's day.
The Beautiful Women Nobody Asks Out
I've talked to so many single women in person, and most of the beautiful ones are not on dating apps. I'll shout out the queen here. She was on dating apps, and she's around guys all the time. And she hardly ever gets asked out. She hardly ever has a guy cold approach her. This is a beautiful woman — all my friends are like, damn. I dated her for like a week, and then it blew up. And this beautiful woman hadn't been on a date with anybody in months, even using dating apps. The last date she'd had scheduled got canceled by some loser on a dating app. And she hadn't had a relationship in years. This is a beautiful woman who's out around men all the time, and almost no men are asking her the simple questions: Are you single? Do you want to go out on a date with me?
That's cold approach, utterly simplified. All you need to know: Are you single? Do you want to go out on a date with me? Those questions can feel really vulnerable, because you're not hiding. But taking a risk feels manly to me. And we're not trying to take stupid risks or trying to hurt anybody. We're taking a risk that says: I'm asking for connection. I'm looking for love. And I'm willing to get told no most of the time. But the payoff is worth it. I spent $350 on Hinge and roses, and every single one of those roses felt like a risk. And I just felt disgusting. I spent all that money and didn't get a single date out of it. Literally the first woman I cold approached, I got a date off of.
And what's worse is you get catfished on these dating apps, you get ghosted. Dating apps reward you for being mysterious and hardly saying anything. And the women often really need to see you in person to know if they're attracted to you and if they're feeling your vibe. They often need to hear your voice. Whereas guys, we can just look at dating profiles and get a good idea of whether we're going to be attracted or not — but women are often picking up on so much more than just physical appearance. So guys, cold approach is the answer you've been looking for. There are videos out there I could react to, but I don't like promoting other people's content, and I don't like reacting. The point is: there are women out there desperate for men to approach them.
The Script: You're Beautiful — Are You Single?
Generally, the women who are more desperate to be approached will also send more friendly signals. They'll make eye contact. They'll smile. There it is — you got eye contact, you got a smile. Hi, I'm Jerry Banfield. Actually, I don't even say my name. It's just: hey, you're beautiful. Are you single? If she just smiled and gave me eye contact — hey, you're beautiful. Are you single? Right there, I've set up the context of this conversation. We're not here to talk the weather or sports or my YouTube channel. Hi, you're beautiful. Are you single? If she says no, I'm out. Thank you, appreciate your time, see you later. We don't need to talk anymore. I'm done. I'm good. That's why I was here — you're not single, I don't need to talk to you. But if she says yes: Do you want to go out on a date with me? That second question matters, because even if she is single, maybe she doesn't want to go out on a date with me. It allows her to not have to be weird about the single question. You're beautiful. Are you single? She says yes. Do you want to go out on a date with me? Or, even better: I'd love to take you out on a date.
Masculine, Confident, and Fine With a No
That's what I said in my first cold approach. I asked if she was single. She said hi, and I said, I would love to take you out on a date. If she says, yes, I'm single — I would love to take you out on a date. That is very masculine, very confident. And if she says, no, I think you're ugly — fine. They're probably not going to say that. But if she says no thanks, at least you tried. And you can say: respect. Thank you. Have a great day. Next. Man, that feels good, doesn't it?
The Woman at the Vegan Sushi Place
There was a beautiful woman right before I was going to start this cold approaching. Beautiful woman. I was at this vegan sushi place — all right, so we already know we have that in common. And I look at her from across the room, and then I leave and I don't say anything to her, and I feel like a loser. Why? Because all I had to do was say, hey, we're both here — what are the odds of that? Or anything to open and get her attention. Then whatever she says afterwards doesn't matter, because the next question I have is: are you single? Or: you are beautiful — are you single? Imagine if I missed out on a date with a beautiful woman because I didn't go up to her. Because I sat there across the room waiting for my food. I could have easily. And from now on, anytime there's a woman by herself in a situation that's comfortable for me to cold approach — walking, standing around waiting for food, at work — I'm going for it. Because what sucks is how I felt walking out of that restaurant. This was right before I started cold approaching. What sucks is that I'd spent all that money on dating apps all week and not gotten a date.
Look Under Every Rock
Maybe 90 percent of the time, maybe 95 percent of the time, she says, no, I'm not single. Or she says, no, I don't want to go on a date with you. Maybe 19 out of 20 times. But what about that 5 percent of the time where she says, yes, I'm single — yes, I'll go on a date with you, here's my number? What about that 5 percent of the time where you're walking back to your car with a phone number, versus walking back to your car and you just don't know? See, dating apps to me are just guaranteed to feel disgusting for most guys most of the time. But with a cold approach, even if you fail — even if I'm walking back to my car hitting that 19-out-of-20 scenario where she says, no, I've got a boyfriend, or yes, I'm single but no, I don't want to go out with you — even then, I'm walking back to my car thinking, at least I know. Because right now, I hate that I don't know. I hate that I don't know which scenario it was. It's kind of like that cat scenario — Schrodinger's cat. I don't know. She could have said yes. She could have said yes. Probably wouldn't have. But I hate that the possibility sits there and I didn't check.
Imagine this: if you're walking around and you're broke, and all you have to do is look under each rock and maybe there's $20 under there — how many rocks are you going to look under? I tell you that getting a date with a woman you're excited about is so much better than finding $20. I would say it's more like finding $100,000. And all you have to do is say: you're beautiful. Are you single? Do you want to go out on a date with me? Or: I'd love to go out on a date with you. And you are going to have so many amazing things happen.
Getting Told No to Your Face Makes You Stronger
And if some of you are thinking, oh, I can't do that, I can't get told no to my face — you'll be a stronger man for getting told no to your face. You'll be a much stronger man than getting told no on dating apps. Because on dating apps, if there were equal numbers, it'd be one thing — but there are so many more dudes on dating apps than women. And from the women I know in person, the best women are generally not on dating apps. Even if they are on dating apps, they're generally not doing a great job using them. They're not picking out the guys who are winners. They're not putting much time into them. And pay-to-win gets their attention.
So I have had such a great experience cold approaching. I'm going to do a bunch more cold approach videos, and you can follow along with all of them in my Dating playlist. And what's even better than a cold approach is a warm approach. If you can put yourself in a situation like a workout class where you just worked out together, that's not even truly a cold approach — you already have context. And that's enough on this one.
Talk With Me Directly
If you enjoyed this, what will be even better is to go to jerrybanfield.com. Imagine being able to chat with me for the rest of your life — the chat is fully on my website, and you can ask me anything you want to, about anything, anytime. And if you want to talk with me — unlike most other dating coaches — if you have something you want to talk with me about right now and I'm available, you can talk to me now. I'll generally get in touch with you within 5 to 10 minutes, and we'll talk right then, for 30 minutes or 10 minutes, whatever you want. I also have a community where you can DM me, post, and schedule a one-on-one call with me in advance if you want a specific time — come join the Jerry Banfield Family. I'm here. I'm available to help you. I'd love to get to know you.
I'd love to see you up on that leaderboard at jerrybanfield.com. I'm going to put much more dating material, comedy courses, and all kinds of stuff on my website — that's where you'll find me in the future. I'll see you there.