I'm a full-time YouTuber and content creator. This is all I do. I haven't had another job for 14 years. Meanwhile, I'm a divorced dad trying to date. And I'm observing a big conflict that's happening. Because when I go out on a date, I want to fall in love again. I want to find a woman where we can have fun and have adventures like I did with my first wife for 15 years. Most of the 15 years, we had so much fun. We loved each other. We went to Disney and movies and dates and the beach, and traveled and flew and had fun and had tons of sex. And then had two kids and still had fun for most of it. Then got divorced last year. And I started six YouTube channels. I've got a vlog at Jerry Banfield, and I've got Jerry Banfield Dating.
What happens when I go out on a date is I want to find an amazing, beautiful relationship. But what happens when I make my money off of my videos getting views? What kind of videos do you think get more views? If I do a video talking about, oh, I found this amazing woman and everything works and it's just great — do you think people want to watch that? Or when I do a video saying she canceled seven minutes before the date, here's the text. Which one of those do you think people are going to click on?
You see, I'm feeling it. I'm feeling an acute struggle right now between, when I go out on a date, am I trying to turn this into content or am I trying to fall in love? And the last woman I went out with, I got to say, it felt more like I was trying to turn it into content. I'm looking at her. I'm analyzing her. And it's like the deep-down motivation is to figure out how this can go bad so that I can make a better video and get paid more.
I mean, somebody went to jerrybanfield.com and dropped a $50 tip — an anonymous person. I have no idea who this person is. Just dropped a $50 tip on my tip page. I'll make sure to show it off. I need to put a $100 tip option so somebody can drop an even bigger one if they want to. They made their name Jerry's Future Boy Toy. And the next one will be like $75 or something — I'll just let people go bigger and bigger.
And this is the problem with a lot of content you see from all kinds of content creators: we collectively are incentivized. I get incentivized if I make a video saying, here's some cringe dating story. People are like, oh yeah, let me watch that. And the way I need to act to get views versus the way I need to act on a date to fall in love seem to be significantly different.
Built Off the Pain, Not the Love
I've been able to build this Jerry Banfield Dating channel and my Jerry Banfield vlogs channel off of the pain of my dating. But could I build it off of the love? Could I build it by having a happy relationship? How many times would I need to show up and be like, see, I told you this is what worked to fall in love — how many times of doing that before people stop watching?
I have a video listed on my website now. These podcasts and somebody else, I guess, want this video that I sent to this woman — a pathetic, sad video I made of me on like my worst day after traveling. I'm tired. I didn't sleep right. I'd fallen in love with a woman. She pulled away. I responded with the opposite of what I should have said. And people are telling me they'll pay $2,000 to get a hold of this private video I made. Now, would anybody care about this if it had gone well? No. Nobody would care about some video I sent to a woman that I had a great date with. But there's drama. Now, yes, we want that.
I had a friend who went off on TikTok. And he said, Jerry, people on TikTok are angry, they're lonely, and they're broke. So never tell them that your life's going great, that you're making money, that you're happy, that you're dating. Don't say any of that.
I remember this woman on Facebook Gaming. She had all these guys dropping all these tips and watching her stream. This is a beautiful woman, maybe mid-twenties, all these guys watching. Then, when she's single — then she gets a boyfriend. The tips and the audience just — huge drop. I remember her ranting on stream. She's like, this is so fucked up. I get a boyfriend and I'm happy and nobody wants to watch anymore. I'm like, you didn't understand why these dudes were here watching you play Call of Duty instead of me, when I'm better at the game. They're not watching you for the same reason they're watching me. They're watching me for my personality and my gameplay. They're watching you for another reason. And when you tell them you got a boyfriend, you just killed all their fantasies.
So the crazy thing is, with this lifestyle I'm in, the incentives are aligned in a way that is, at least in the short term, not ideal for my dating life. And at the same time, I think whenever I do find an amazing relationship, I hope that I can make videos with her and that those would get watched. And I'm sure — I'm so skilled at content creation, I can create content no matter what's going on in my real life.
But what I'm observing today is: what have been my motivations for how I've been showing up on these dates? Everything I've been doing in dating, I swear the main motivation behind it has been to make content that people will watch. Because a few months ago, when I gave my ex 80% of the stuff in the divorce, I moved into a house with zero income. I'm borrowing money. I'm like, I need money. What can I do to make money? Create content. How do I make lots of money creating content? Well, make stuff people want to watch and make stuff I really care about. I really care about dating. I want people to have happy, beautiful relationships. I want to teach people how to have happy relationships. But am I willing to provide entertainment in order to get paid? Yep.
Speed Dating for Content
I think I'm going to go to a speed dating thing. Even though I'd rather never go to a speed dating thing again. Believe me, I've been to six, seven speed dating events. I did go out on a date with one woman from one speed dating event. She was like in her 50s. We had a nice conversation. She was beautiful. And I didn't have a second date with her. I'm going to go to the speed dating event because that's a good opportunity to generate some content.
I'm going to go to a 20s and 30s mixer tonight. Y'all think I can pass for 30? Maybe not 30, but the guy at tennis yesterday said, hey, what are you, like 35? I'm like, yeah, buddy. I'm going to go to this mixer tonight, even though there's going to be drinking and dancing and it's somewhere I've never been before and it could be a sausage fest. I'm going to go. Because that's almost certainly some good content. And there's going to be wristbands — green if you're single and ready to mingle. So it's an environment, unlike the yoga studio apparently, where you could just make some approaches pretty easily. In fact, I just made a video that will be on my vlog in a few days involving drama at the yoga studio because of me being a content creator. And the way I'm talking to women at the yoga studio, that's generating some content — whether I'm picking them up and having dates and dating them, or turning them off. It's polarizing.
And I'm seeing today, I need to be able to turn what I'm doing off on a date. Like, my matchmaker yesterday said, Jerry, you got a new match. And I look at this woman's profile. I'm not going to read you the profile verbatim, but I'll give you some highlights. This woman is five-ish plus years younger than me. It sounds like she's very athletic and lean, which is big for me, attraction-wise. And she wants children. And she wants a tall guy — I'm 5'11", so I guess tall enough, right? She wants somebody that doesn't drink, which is me. And she wants somebody who's committed to health, growth, and adventure. Like, that's your boy. Health, growth, adventure — I'm all about that. She wants somebody emotionally intelligent with great communication and mental chemistry. A trustworthy equal. Like, that's me. But it's funny — that profile looks so amazing. That looks so compatible with me. But as soon as I see it, my mind's already projecting: this isn't going to work, and you're going to be making a dating video about how she didn't feel the connection. Like, what? No.
But I realized, with some of these women I've been out with, I have been stuck in my head. And I've been playing games. And I've been testing this stuff that these guys have been telling me on YouTube. And sure, sometimes women have more fun on the date, and they're more interested in me initially. But if you're not just trying to hook up — which I'm not — I know that a partnership is the real thing. That's the most beautiful thing you're going to have. Just a one-night stand? I've done enough of those to know. Those are mostly worthless. Not completely — it can be great memories, a little bit of fun. But what's better than a one-night stand is having sex 3,000 times with the same woman. Maybe not everybody agrees with me on that, but I think that was awesome. I had a really nice experience doing that. And that's what I want next. I want another woman to have sex with 3,000 times, not just once. Or maybe like five times in one night. No, whatever.
So my challenge is that, while I want that with another woman, I present this passion and this strong mind that is driven by analytics and looking in and using logic and using AI to crank out videos and crank out content on all these platforms. I can't show up like this on a date. How do you think women feel when I start talking with this kind of energy on a date? Damn, this dude's crazy — my intuition's saying, go, run, girl, run. And when I start getting into preach mode, it's too much too soon. But when I start getting in my head and being like, yeah, run game on her, don't give her a compliment — I realized, what's heartfelt for me is to obsess over a woman. My vibe is that I want to obsess over you. And the last couple of women that said they didn't feel the connection — I wasn't obsessing over them, because I'm like, I got to run game. I can't be obsessing over a woman; that shows I'm low value. And why do I think that?
Because these extremists on YouTube who get paid off of saying sensational stuff — they said that. So now I'm putting that into practice in real life and it's not working. But they don't get penalized. They don't get penalized when the things they say don't work in real life. And I respect that perhaps where they're at, maybe that works for them. Maybe they have so many women because they're a celebrity, or they've done dating coaching for 20 years — but they don't have a stable relationship, which makes sense. Maybe what they say works for them, but it doesn't work for me.
What works for me is to show up and be ready to obsess over a woman. Because the kind of woman that's going to love me is going to want a guy to be very fixated on her. The kind of woman that's going to want to be a wife and have kids is going to want a man that's devoted to her and cherishes her and worships her, and is not trying to sleep with a bunch of other women, and that's ready to text her morning, noon, and night to flirt with her, to have fun with her, to play around with her, and to be serious and to respect her.
Not some guy like in this article somebody sent me. And by the way, if you want to message me, go to jerrybanfield.com — join the Skool community, or join the chat — and you can message me. I won't see what you have to say otherwise. This guy messaged me this article, and it says the kind of guys that hook up most on dating apps are guys that are basically without empathy — jerks, psychopaths — that just run game and run routines on women. And these guys tend to get laid the most because they don't care about the women. They'll say anything to get the woman to like them. They'll perform whatever routine, whatever psychological tricks work to get the woman in bed. I knew a guy like that — he's not here anymore. And that's how he operated and how he lived for a long time. And yet when it came down to it, after all the women he'd been with and the lifestyle he had, he didn't have a woman that he had a great relationship with. After all that, after all the women he slept with. And these are often the kind of people who are giving advice and charging thousands of dollars to work with them and help you get what they have.
But I don't want what they have. I want one woman — I love her and she loves me. I don't need five or ten different women that are all obsessed and want me. I don't need that. I don't want that. That's too complicated. The King of Jordan, at the time he talked to Barack Obama, had 12 wives. And he said having 12 wives is worse than politics. And I'd imagine the King of Jordan doesn't really enjoy politics that much.
The Preacher on Camera, the Listener on a Date
So I'm just intending to show up with an open heart to my dates and to consciously shift out of the YouTube content creator mindset. When I'm up here, this is kind of like if I'm at church and I'm the preacher. I have an audience and it's about me talking. It's about me sharing. It's about me helping you feel good and feel empowered and understand where you're at today — and if you feel that something's wrong, somebody understands where you're at and loves you and cares about you, and you're strong and you can have an amazing life and you can find someone to date also. That's what these videos are about. But when I'm on a date, it's about me listening more than talking. Me getting to feel her rather than think about her.
And I see — what's heartfelt for me? If a woman shows up and looks like she's put some time into getting ready and years into taking care of her body, what feels heartfelt for me to open with would be like: wow, you're beautiful. I'm excited to spend time with you.
I was listening to a girl on YouTube, probably early 20s, that still seemed pretty innocent. Not that innocent — she had some history with guys and she's posting YouTube videos. But she gave this very childlike version of love. She's like, I love it when a guy texts me, and I love it when he gives me compliments. And this is a pretty girl — can't remember her name. She's like, I love when a guy gives me compliments. I love when he tells me I'm pretty. I love when he texts me, and I have a hard time knowing what to respond because I'm nervous — I don't want to say the wrong thing — but I love when he texts me. I love when he hangs out with me. I love everything he says. And a lot of this crap content out here has you thinking that you have to look perfect or have a bunch of money as a man to get that kind of response. No, you don't. You can be a perfectly average guy, but if you'll just open your heart and give that loving feeling to a woman — I did some videos before saying women will go nuts for an average guy that really loves them.
But a lot of us as men have been programmed to stop having feelings, to stop showing any kind of love or emotion. The woman that I call the queen — she cried multiple times with me on dates. Because I opened my heart and showed so much emotion. And that left her feeling safe to do the same. That's what — not all women, but that's the kind of woman that's going to love being with me — that's what she wants.
She doesn't want me like the last woman I went out with got me. Beautiful, intelligent. I gave her zero compliments on a two-and-a-half-hour date about her appearance. And she looked beautiful. Zero compliments about her appearance. Because I'm like, yeah, I deserve being out with an attractive woman — that's like the minimum to go on a date with me. You don't get a compliment for doing the minimum. Like, that's the kind of crazy stuff that people are telling me on YouTube that I was practicing in real life, and it didn't work. And she said she couldn't feel the connection. And instead of my first reaction — well, there's a problem with her — it's like: were you honestly offering a heartfelt connection? No. I was not honestly offering a heartfelt connection. No time that I've offered a heartfelt connection has a woman said she didn't feel the connection. She said, we're not compatible — which, if you really open your heart, you're going to show somebody who you are honestly. And I'd rather have a woman say no because she can see that we're honestly not compatible, than have a woman say yes based on deception, based on game. I want to be able to be my authentic self with a woman.
Winning the Game Short Term vs Long Term
And I think I ran too good a game on my ex-wife. When I was dating in my 20s, I had the game down. I had a harder time getting a woman to go out with me — I was overweight and I was pretty abrasive. But if I could behave for a little while and get a woman to look past me being overweight, dude, I had game. Because all I cared about — my goal was to win the game. And I got back in that mindset recently, after the queen. I'm like, my goal is to win the game. But you got to think: winning the game short term versus winning the game long term. Winning the game short term is increasing body count. Winning the game long term is having a woman to have an amazing marriage and partnership and kids with. That's winning the game long term. And the question is, those short-term strategies most people are teaching on YouTube — will that win the game short term, or will that win the game long term? Most of these people teaching dating content do not have a dating life that they will even honestly tell you about. Because it's a mess. And that's not what I want.
I want a loving, happy marriage like I had for most of the last 15 years. And if I want that, I intend to open my heart and prepare to receive it. And when I go on a date with a woman, to show up and be very innocent and loving, and to explore her and to play with her and to be fun with her — and to then be willing to be rejected if she doesn't like the heartfelt version of me. Then we're not compatible.
But you know what? I think women especially are hungry for a man that can communicate feelings. In fact, the queen told me that. When I shared my feelings and opened up and I cried — even though she said she wanted to take things slow, she snuggled up, she put her hand like mid-thigh and just put her head on my chest. She loved me opening my heart with her. And she cried with me shortly after that. She didn't have an issue feeling the connection. She felt the connection when I offered it.
And to me as a man, it's up to us to offer the connection. That's the most precious thing I have. That's the equivalent of being a really attractive woman. Men often are looking for a very attractive woman. Women are often looking for a guy that she can feel something with. A guy where she feels safe to let her feelings out. A guy that can handle her having feelings — where she doesn't have to act like she's got everything figured out, where she can cry and get angry and frustrated, and she feels safe to do that with her man. And I have all that. But what's amazing is to watch how easily I can turn that off. And I realize my work contributes to that. And it's up to me to consciously say: turn that on.
Like the speed dating event. My first thought going to a speed dating event is not to have an open heart and get excited. My first thought is, this shit's going to be a waste of time, and I should just try and generate some material for a video. Well, my second thought is: what would happen if you went to a speed dating event and opened your heart? And just maybe there was a woman there that would feel that and would connect with you. And even if you went with an open heart and nothing comes from it, maybe you'd help the women that were there feel better. Because just having somebody open their heart and love you feels good. Even if nothing else happens.
I hope this helps you with your life. If you want to talk to me, I'm available at jerrybanfield.com. I'm ready for you. I've got one-on-one Zoom calls — you can just hop in and have a call and talk to me. I've got my community on Skool. And I've got a chat — lifetime access, one-time payment. Lots of options.
And if you want to follow this whole journey of a divorced dad trying to date on camera, my Dating playlist has every story as it happens. Hope to see you again soon.