Something weird is happening in my dating life. I have been going out with women that are beautiful, successful, intelligent. Some of them have nice personalities and are great communicators. In other words, women that are equals with me. Let me go ahead and give myself a pat on the back there. I'm a beautiful, intelligent, successful man, according to myself, which is most important. So these are women that are compatible, that make sense with me.
And yet, I will give you an example of a recent woman I went out with. And then I'll repeat the story a few times. And this is going to be helpful for you to identify: are you sabotaging yourself?
I met this woman two weeks ago. Beautiful woman and very good communicator, very intelligent. And I immediately start having these negative expectations before I even go out on a date. I'm like, what's the point? What's the point of meeting another woman? It's just going to end up with her texting me saying that she's not feeling the chemistry. The spark's not there. I'm just not feeling the connection. And before I even go on the date, I'm feeling like this is so pointless.
Like, I look forward to this. I work hard for this. I try and get these dates set up. I pay for matchmaking. I meet women in person. And yet, then I'm expecting that they're going to reject me, which is kind of ridiculous because I just got divorced last year.
I Should Have Every Reason to Expect Things to Go Well
I was with my ex wife for 15 years. Beautiful, intelligent, successful woman. We had two kids together. She has a six figure job. Her life's going great. And she immediately found a new boyfriend as soon as she wanted one.
You would think that I would have positive expectations. Like, oh, women like me. Women want to be with me. Not every woman, but that I'm a man that is very worth being with. A special, unusual man. A man that a woman would be happy to introduce to her parents. A man that's a proven father that would make great father material. A proven husband who's learned a few things. So you would think I'd have the capacity to have all kinds of positive expectations.
I remember going on dates in my 20s where I would expect that the woman would like me and that we would be progressing and moving forward. I would expect that she would want a second date, a third date. I'd be kind of surprised if she didn't. I'd go out with these positive expectations and excitement.
And I remember when I went out with my ex wife. When we went on our first date, I was so excited to go out with her. She was so beautiful on her profile. And I saw that she was in her professional school. And I was so excited for the date. I showed up and I was like, yes, this is awesome. I drove home. I'm like, this will be great. I had so many positive expectations. Most of the way through, all the way to like being in a relationship.
And I did date this woman I called the queen. I met her and I was like, yes, this is it. This is going to be awesome. And that lasted for a week. And after a week, when she started to pull away, I got lost in these negatives. Here it comes. She's pulling away. This is it. She's just not feeling it. We're not right for each other. And it's like these thoughts just attacked me and I believed them. And I tried to fight them and I tried to get them to come back. And I tried to keep my heart open and, well, it didn't work.
The Date I Had Already Decided Was Pointless
And then since I dated her, I go out with another woman like this. This is a woman that has all the same potential, but yet I show up, my heart's closed. So I go out to the date with this woman. I'm already feeling like, why am I driving 45 minutes to just see a person one time and it's not going to go anywhere? Why even bother?
Like I've been out with at least 20 women this year. Most of them, I've only been out with one time. And most of the time they're telling me I'm just not feeling it. I'm just not feeling that spark I need. I'm not feeling that connection. And some of them, I have kind of intentionally done things to fuel that, like said some crazy stuff. Others of them, I thought we were a good fit. And then some, I have not responded or texted them ever again because I wasn't interested in seeing them again. So why bother following up?
So I go out with this woman. For matchmaking, you don't see a picture. So the appearance is a surprise. My matchmaker usually gets me pretty women. A couple have been like, as soon as I saw her, I'm like, ah, man, you're not attractive. But the rest have been like, all right, she's hot. And this one, I'm like, all right, she's pretty.
And we meet, we talk, we have two and a half hours. We have a nice date. And then even exchanging phone numbers, I'm like, this is so pointless. I want to see her again. Why bother? Why don't we just get to the point of where she's sending me the message?
And right after the date, 30 minutes after the date, she sends me three texts. You know, I had a great time with you, et cetera. And I immediately start, I take like two hours to respond because it already feels pointless. I already feel like it's lost. It's not working.
And now I'm like, is this because I didn't feel a connection with her? Or is this because I showed up with kind of a closed heart? Like, look, I'm not feeling anything for this woman until she proves she's worth it. And I'm not going to feel any kind of excited.
How I Kept Myself Safe and Killed It in the Process
And yes, I kept myself safe doing this. I was able to show up with my masculine frame. I was able to challenge her and debate with her easily. And at one point she said during the date, she's like, you know, I'm not sure if you like me or not. And I thought, good, good. I don't want you to know if I like you or not. I need to be mysterious. I need you to try and figure me out.
And after that, I finally texted her like two and a half hours later. It felt like such a chore. I'm like, I need to do this. But I just looked at her message where she's happy. She's texting me right away. Flirty and fun, happy. She went out with me and I'm just not feeling it. And I'm like, is it her? Or is it me? Is it her that I didn't feel the connection with? Or did I not give her a chance? Did I have my heart shut? And I'm like, nope, not feeling anything for you. I'm going to protect myself from you.
So then I text her and I'm doing the minimum, just doing the minimum. Then we have a phone call and she asked me to tell her a travel story. And I tell her this story about going to the casino, which I repeat in my last video. So I'm not going to tell that whole thing again, but I certainly picked a story that didn't make me look very good.
And I didn't jump in right away for the awkward or the silent pauses on the date itself. I made lots of time for pauses to just look at her and to enjoy the silence. I didn't try and anxiously fill the conversation, which that might've been good sometimes, but also she might've felt like I wasn't feeling it that much.
Then after a few days, I don't text her for a couple of days. Then she sends me the message. She's not feeling it. And she says that she thinks I can read energy well, which I'm not sure if that was nice or a put down, but I'll take it as nice.
I Expected It, and Then I Made It Happen
And I felt kind of bad yesterday. I posted this video saying — what did I say in yesterday's video? What was the title? I said, I didn't text her for two days and she ended it.
So I've been thinking about it. And at first I was kind of like, oh, she ended it. It's too bad. But the more I thought about it, I'm like, I expected her to reject me. And then I made it happen. And this was before I even met her.
And then literally I've got another matchmaking date today. And I've been feeling the same way. This woman, based on what I've read on her profile, there's a good chance she's attractive and she has a lot of compatibility with me. And I'm already thinking, this is pointless. Might as well not go out with her. Just going to waste both our time. Just going to get another one of those text messages, how she's not feeling it.
And then my matchmaker says, I've got another woman for you. I'm going to get to work setting her up too. And then I text a single mom and she says that she does want to go out with me after canceling twice. I'm like, this is just good material at this point. Like, I got to just see if I can have a date with her after she's canceled twice, because I know this is another headline, whatever happens. She canceled twice on me, and then she asked me on the first date. I'm like, who knows what the title could be.
So then, but thinking with her too, why bother going on a walk with her? Nothing's going to work. I'm like, what is with this attitude?
Am I Attracting This, or Creating It?
And I look back now, I'm like, you know what? I'm not sure whether I tried to get this woman to reject me or I didn't like her that much. This is really important too, because several people have told me they're like, you're attracting these women into your life.
And I'm seeing that now. I'm seeing like, I am. Like with the queen. When I met her, I was putting out a very open hearted, I love you, let's have a great life together vibe. I was putting out this really open hearted vibe the week before I met the queen.
Another beautiful woman actually started talking to me first in yoga, made physical contact, giving me a fist bump. And she started trying to talk to me, be friendly. Maybe she was trying to pick me up. And I was a little rude to her and didn't ask for a phone number, even when it seemed like she was fishing. She's like, hey, do you come here? Do you come to this class often? And I was like, no. And I just walked off, because at that time I'm like, I'm not even trying with women anymore.
But then I met this woman at yoga. I was so excited. I was like, I'm going to do this. And I just saw her and I'm like, okay, I'm going to give her a chance. But then I gave her a chance and it just — maybe it was something with her. Maybe it was us. I don't know.
But after that, it's like, I'm not giving anybody a chance again until they deserve it. But the damn thing is, if I want a woman to feel a connection with me, I need to be offering that. Like, how is the woman going to feel a connection with me when I'm not offering it?
There was another beautiful woman I went out with, a rich woman, and like a decade younger than me, wanted kids. She seemed like she had a great time on the date with me. And again, same thing with her. I was so close hearted.
Although what's silly is it seems sometimes when I'm close hearted and totally in my head, women are having a good time with me on dates. This is a challenge I'm seeing across the space with dating. It seems like what a lot of these guys are preaching on YouTube about doing all this head led dating, playing all these games and doing these routines and basically executing code to then get women in bed — I can see how that works. But the problem is, it doesn't seem like it's making much of a genuine heartfelt connection that's going to lead to a relationship.
And sure, I'm down to just have some fun. But I'd really like to be investing my energy into a woman that we could have a great life together. Like, our time is so limited. And if I'm distracting myself with some woman that I know I don't want to spend the rest of my life with, that I know is not going to want to have kids, that I know I'm not going to want to be seen with in public, I might as well be at home filming videos and trying to help people. I might as well be playing with my kids. I might as well be playing tennis, going to AA meetings. Serving clients.
What Came In While I Was Filming Today
I'm grateful a guy dropped a $50 tip today. A $50 tip on my website. He's now the top tipper on my tip page. I really appreciate it. I mean, somebody literally just dropped a $50 tip. And I'll show you this on the screen background. The name on it is Jerry's Future Boy Toy. And like, $50 tip, man. That's awesome. My work, I'm helping people with these videos. And I really appreciate the support.
And another person went to my website today and used the option to have a call with me. So somebody had something they wanted to talk with me about immediately. So I made — and that's not including my ad revenue, community, all that stuff — I made about $150 straight in the door today. And I worked for 30 minutes and somebody dropped a tip.
If you want that too, you can schedule a Zoom call in advance or just talk to me now if I'm online. Usually we can be on a call within 10 minutes or so.
I've been filming videos all day though. So I've got a lot to do. I went out to Sober Bar last night and had a nice chat with the bartender and her roommate. I got stuff I can do.
I Have to Get a Better Attitude About This
And I'm honestly looking at, you know what? I got to get a better attitude about dating. I get it that I'm hurt from my divorce. But I remember being a bunch of times in the last several years I was married. I'm like, I know I need to get divorced. This isn't working. I'm trying. I'm doing everything. It's not working. She's trying, but our efforts are not getting anything to be better. It's like our efforts are just going through the motions. Neither of us is making the changes we need to keep our marriage happy. We're just butting heads. I know I need to get divorced. For years, I'm like, I need to get divorced.
And now I am divorced and I'm ready. I'm dating. And yet then I'm going out with women and either getting over invested immediately — but I got to say, over invested is probably better than what I've been doing with this closed hearted dating. Like with not texting women.
And dude, I can see I've been setting women up to fail with me. Like I just talked to this woman at Sober Bar and she went out with this guy. She has not been out with a guy in months. Now this is a woman who's attractive, who's intelligent, who's in professional school. This is a woman that you would think — I don't think she uses dating apps. I think she hates dating apps. But this is a woman, if she was on dating apps, she could have a guy every night. She hasn't been out on a date in months. I think she said four months. And when she did go out on a date, it was awful. And she's like, I wanted that date to work.
Like I know I show up to these dates and the women want the date to work, especially if they're on a matchmaking service. That's more serious than being online dating. A woman on a matchmaking service is not just looking for a casual hookup. She wants a relationship. She wants a date to work. She wants to have a second date and a third date. She wants a love story.
And I got to say, if I'm coming into these dates with a closed heart and guarded and focusing on running game, sure, I can have a good first date where she wants to see me. But I got to say, I agree with some of these women that they didn't feel the connection, because some of the ones that said they didn't feel the connection, I was most closed hearted and guarded with them.
What I Did Differently With the Queen
Now the queen — she was really feeling the connection. We were texting each other all the time. We had four dates in the first week of meeting. We felt the connection.
But what did I do differently? Well, from most of the dates I've had this year, I showed up really open hearted with her and I had positive expectations. I'm like, she's perfect. Things are going to go great. But then as soon as there were even any signs that they might not, my attitude collapsed. I'm like, oh, this is it. It's going to go to crap. Here it comes. We're not compatible.
And this is very useful information for me. I know it's scary to open my heart. And sometimes I'm like, how do I even do it? I want to show up on a date open hearted. I want to show up with a positive attitude. I want to show up authentically.
And I can communicate pretty well. That's why so many people, like tens of thousands of views a day on my videos. I can communicate with the best of them. That's why people watch my videos. So picture me on a date communicating in a way that is not communicating emotion. It seems crazy, right? Like it seems crazy that a guy that communicates all this emotion through a camera and a microphone will be out on a date being cold hearted. Distant. Withdrawn.
But I'm glad the first step to change is awareness. Like, ew, I don't like the attitude I've had with these last few dates. I don't like the closed hearted approach. Have some courage. Show up the way I did with the queen. With this open heart that this woman's going to love me and it's all going to work out. And be surprised if it doesn't.
And at least if you show up with an open heart and communicate authentically, then if it doesn't work, it's okay, because you just weren't compatible. But what I feel bad about is, what if I made something not work because I was playing games and showed up closed hearted?
The Part of Me That Doesn't Want It to Work
What I love, though, is I swear I'm going to get this. I'm going to nail this. I'm going to show up my absolute full authentic person and beauty and power. And a woman's going to be prepared and compatible with that. And it's going to work. I feel that with certainty that something amazing is going to happen in my dating life.
And yet there's part of me that doesn't want it to. That says, well, your videos are going to suck. As soon as you meet some woman that you love, all your videos are going to be preachy. I'm so great, this is what worked for me. Or you're going to have to make videos with somebody else, like the woman or with other people. And in some ways, my dating drama has fueled the growth of multiple channels. So then there's a conflict of interest. But I don't need dating drama to grow on YouTube and to build on these other platforms.
With communicating also, I've noticed that it seems like if I don't like a woman that much, part of me prefers that she rejects me, because then I'm like, oh, she didn't like me. Then I can complain about women.
But really, the second matchmaking date I went on, I said all kinds of stuff that shouldn't be said on a first date. And then she's like, you know, I'm just not feeling this. And it's like, of course you're not feeling this. I intentionally tried to drop as many red flags as I could for you because I wasn't attracted to you. So I dropped 15 red flags on the date. And then she's sitting there feeling like, oh, that went so bad.
But really, as soon as I saw her, I thought she was too overweight. And instead of me just owning that and being honest — look, I'm not that into you — I did the cowardly thing instead. This woman was on the carnivore diet, and in my own head I figured that if she ate plant based like I do she might not have been, though that is only my assumption and none of my business. She wasn't even that overweight. I was just like, nah.
So I see. I'm taking responsibility for what I'm doing. I know that I can communicate in a way that will not trigger a bunch of a woman's red flags. Like I know how to do that. So why do I tell that story of going to the casino? That is a red flag story. That's probably not a first week of dating story. Especially this woman in particular — either she was really hiding her dark side, or she wasn't into the dark side stuff that much, or our dark sides weren't compatible. With some women, you could really get into something like that right away. Like the women I meet in Alcoholics Anonymous, yeah, you could tell a story like that right away. But this woman was not a casino bathroom sleeping story kind of person.
And I'm like, I'm setting myself up for failure and I don't want to do it anymore. I want to show up authentically. I want to show up with my heart open. I want to show up genuinely excited about every date that I'm having. I want to think every date, this could be my next wife.
Like I remember when I walked to the second date I had with the queen, I felt so euphoric and happy. And I'm like, this could be my last second date.
And she loved how I showed up like that. She felt she was a little nervous, and my open hearted excitement helped her calm right down and have so much fun with me. And of course it's not a surprise then that she was very ready for a date two days later, and then a fourth date three days later.
And then I honestly am looking at this woman, like, she didn't feel the connection with me. And I'm expecting her to explain why. And it's like, no. You know why. If I just showed up open hearted, maybe she wouldn't have felt the connection anyway, but I can point to two women that said they didn't feel a connection with me. And I can point to myself and say, bro, your heart was closed. You were not offering any heartfelt love. You're purely in your head. You're purely running games. And you were not paying these women enough attention.
What I'm seeing is, if I really like a woman, flirting and sending texts is natural and easy. Like with the queen, I had my heart open. It was so easy to text her and to flirt with her. But this woman, it felt like a chore to text her. And it's because I was trying to text her with my mind.
If You're Dealing With the Same Thing
So I hope this insight is helpful, because some of you are dealing with the same thing. And if you are, I'm here. This is my real life learning process in real time.
You can also post about whatever is going on and message me in the Jerry Banfield Family on Skool. I'm here to support you.
I've got my dating channel, and if you use these other platforms, I have dating accounts on those too — I'll get those linked. And I've got my vlogs where I go into dating and a lot of the same stories, but then I talk about the rest of my life in my vlogs. Everything I have been learning about this is collected in my Dating playlist.
So thanks for watching. Hope to see you again soon.