Trying My First Singles Mixer
Last night, I went to a singles mixer with wristbands — green if you're single, yellow if you're casual, red if you're taken. I tried it for the first time. I'd never been to a singles mixer like this before. I live in St. Pete, and this event was all the way down in Sarasota, about an hour drive. I looked at the people online beforehand. To be clear, this was a 20s and 30s singles mixer. Do you think I can pass for 30s? I think so. Lots of times people assume, because I take such great care of myself and look so beautiful, that I'm about 35. I'm a couple of years past the 30s, to be clear. But I figured, all right, let me just try this.
I'd already gone to a speed dating event earlier that day, which was awesome, and I thought, let me try this singles mixer too. I'd wanted to do one of these. The wristbands should make it easier — I'd know who to approach. The problem was the event was at a bar. I'm sober 12 years, and I don't really want to be around a bunch of sloppy, drunk people. But there was a DJ, there were wristbands, and maybe a woman having a drink or two would loosen up, talk to me more freely, and have fun. So I decided to give it a try. It would make great content for sure, and it was only $30. Bro, just go out and have fun.
So I drove down to Sarasota last night, even though I'd just gone to a speed dating event two hours before and gotten a phone number from that. When I got to this place, the parking was a mess — a detour, construction, driving around. It took me at least 10, maybe 15 minutes to park, and I ended up arriving 30-plus minutes after it started.
I walked in and waited for my wristband. The venue's website had a list of the people who said they were going — a hundred and some names you could see. I had literally copied and pasted the names into ChatGPT, because my initial read was that this looked like a sausage fest — mostly dudes. ChatGPT said it was probably 70/30, dudes versus women. I thought, man. But then, all right, we'll just do it. It'll be content.
I got there and it did look like a sausage fest. I spotted one really attractive woman whose picture I'd seen on the attending list, right at the front — but she had a red wristband or something like it. Not looking to date. I thought, crap.
Standing There Like a Tool
I got my wristband and stood around looking like a total tool. I was wearing a shirt like this one, but blue with polka dots. If you want to see it, I did a vlog right after this on my Jerry Banfield channel, and you can see me in that shirt — but here I'm going into the dating story in more detail, to show you some things that will surprise you and that are different from what other people are saying.
I was there by myself, not meeting anybody, with my little green wristband on, in my $200 outfit from State and Liberty that looks corporate and boring. It really doesn't match my personality that well — I need to get some movie star shirts that properly show who I am — but it's the best I've got to work with right now, so I wore it. I literally asked ChatGPT what to wear. I didn't know, so I gave it a screenshot of the event and it told me to wear the blue polka dot shirt with my gray slacks, my shoes, and my black belt. All right, thanks for dressing me, ChatGPT. Where were you all those years?
The bar was over on the left. It was crowded, dudes everywhere. Almost all the women were being talked to by one or two guys, often with two or three more dudes in line waiting to talk to her. Half the women there had yellow or red wristbands on anyway. I thought, boy, I probably screwed up here. I got in line for the bathroom, which was taking forever, and realized I didn't even need to go — I was just standing there because I didn't know what else to do. Then I realized I was inside the restaurant, not even out at the mixer. So I skipped the bathroom, walked back outside, and looked for a place where I could at least people watch.
I ended up finding this spot: a little palm tree with three different branches, planted in gravel. It was perfect, because people weren't going to walk through it. I literally stood right in this tree — not with leaves hanging in my face, just standing in the gravel ground pot it was planted in. I put my arm up on a chair and I just looked. Just watched. I wasn't even trying to approach any women. I thought, why bother?
And I was remembering all of Owen Cook's, RSD Tyler's tips. Go in there and act crazy. Go say hi. Draw a scene. Peacock. "Yeah, I'm having fun. Yeah, you vibing, girl." I was thinking about all that stuff, and my honest reaction was: I don't feel like doing that. I'm going to literally stand here and watch what's happening. I kept looking at my watch the whole time thinking, dude, I'm so bored right now. So bored.
I also didn't want to approach a woman who was already talking to a guy. I'm sure I could, but I think that's kind of rude. Do people sometimes get what they want by acting rude? Absolutely. But I'm not trying to act rude and disturb somebody's conversation. I'd wait for the right time and the right woman. And most of the women with green wristbands didn't even look that attractive to me in the first place.
Watching What Actually Happens
Two women came up in front of me. One of them was attractive, both had green wristbands, both had drinks. I thought, this one, she's okay — and I just kept watching. A tall dude with a beard came up in a regular shirt, nothing special, and started talking with them for maybe 10 or 15 minutes. Then another woman came up and approached him — she interrupted him talking to these two women. Now, this woman was attractive enough, but there was just something about her. I thought, I don't know, that's not the one to mess with. If she approached me, maybe — but I wasn't going to go try to talk to her. Something felt a little off. I wasn't feeling her.
And I watched her interrupt this guy and thought, why is she approaching this dude right now? There's a bunch of other dudes here, and this guy isn't even good looking. He's a regular-looking dude — not some Chad with chiseled abs. Just a regular guy in a plain polo shirt, not much of a belly but not some lean ripped dude either. A regular guy. So many of the things I was seeing were shutting down so much of the stuff I see on YouTube. This woman approached him and interrupted him talking to other women. Why this guy? I don't know. But he started talking to her, and the two women went off and talked with others.
Meanwhile, I was standing there like a complete tool. If you'd looked at me, you'd have figured, this guy is not going to talk to anyone, and then he'll leave. What is this guy doing? He's running no game. He's making zero effort. He's just standing there watching everyone. And that's exactly what I was doing, constantly checking the clock. I was thankful my mom was texting me — all right, cool, Mom, let me get my phone out and see what you've got. Oh, here's a picture of the dog and the kids. Thanks, Mom. Gave me something to do.
But then I put my phone away. All right, hold on. Let me be present. Let me pay attention. Maybe something could happen. And I set my intentions clearly. I said: I don't care about having conversations with anybody except a single woman I find attractive that I'm going to have some chemistry with. I would prefer not to talk to anybody else. If there is a woman here who meets that description, that's the only woman I want to talk to, and if I see her clearly and it looks like I should approach, I will. I don't care about anything else. I don't care about small talk. Nothing else matters. I'm not here to impress everybody. I'm here to meet a single woman I might have some chemistry with.
So I kept standing there with that in mind, phone put away, putting out that wavelength. Meanwhile, this dude came by — one of the Owen Cook types, hollering at everybody, talking to everybody. "Yeah, bro. Hey, you — nice shirt, bro. You look like you're here from the IT department." I laughed. All right, at least that's reasonable. I did look like I'd just come from work and gone straight to the mixer, because that is what I looked like. Fine — I'll try to look like a movie star next time. I'll look like I'm from the IT department this time. The key is I was dressed well enough. Good enough for a woman to approach me, or for me to approach a woman.
The listing had said there'd be dancing, and I was hoping for that. Then I saw this woman walk by. Her earrings stood out the most. She was lean, very pretty, and she had a green wristband on. A dude approached her and talked to her for a minute; she didn't seem that interested in him and walked off to the dance floor, where she tried to dance all by herself. I thought, all right — that's my kind of girl. And I was still standing there looking like a tool.
Twenty Minutes Without Moving
I stood in the same spot for 20 minutes. I didn't move. I stood there with my arm up on this chair, watching, for 20 minutes. I watched all these other dudes standing around. I didn't have a drink either — I wasn't trying to act like I had a drink. Empty hands, watching people. I saw a bunch of dudes there by themselves just drinking their beer or looking around like, derp, derp. A bunch of dudes just talking to each other. A bunch of dudes introducing themselves to other dudes. And a few dudes introducing themselves to women — that part I was paying attention to.
Before I planted myself like a stone in the tree spot looking like a tool, I had also gotten in line for the bar. I was looking up at the liquor drinks — 12 and a half years sober — thinking, oh my God, I'm definitely not getting one of those. I just wanted a mocktail, but I couldn't even get an idea into my brain of what kind of mocktail I wanted. And the bar line was going hella slow. I'm glad I'm sober, because that would have made me furious if I'd been there trying to get a drink. If I'd been drinking, I probably would have ordered three or four drinks at once, acted like they were for other people, brought them all back to a table, and drunk them myself. But I'm glad I wasn't, because it was an hour drive away and the bar line was long — not to mention the drinks probably cost a finger or two each. So I got out of the bar line and went to my spot and just stood there. Forget it. No drink, no bathroom.
About 20 minutes in, I thought, that's it. I'm going to go. This is boring. I'm going to write this off as a waste of time. But I kept having this thought: come on, bro. You drove an hour to get here. You have to drive an hour home. Just wait a little longer.
Then I started to notice more girls coming in. The sausage-fest-to-tacos ratio seemed to be evening out. A lot of the dudes had gotten there early, but now some of the women were arriving. I started to see a few more attractive women. Nice, nice. Maybe I'd hang around for a minute. But I wasn't approaching unless I saw exactly what felt right to me. I was using my psychic powers, my intuition. I was awake. I was patient.
She Sat Down Right in Front of Me
And then — remember the pretty woman with the earrings who walked past me and went to the dance floor? She came over. I was standing in my tree right behind two four-top tables with high chairs — like high chairs for babies, but for adults who aren't trying to sit on the ground. I had my arm on one of the chairs at the table on the right. There was another table to my left, with a chair backed up about a foot in front of me. That table had just emptied — nobody was sitting there. And she sat in the chair right in front of me.
I thought, all right, this is getting interesting. She want it — I can tell she want it, want me to push up on it before she know it. I'm all on it. These are the things women do to get a guy's attention. Maybe they don't even do it consciously. One woman there was actually approaching dudes directly, but what I've noticed women often do is just kind of get near you if they want to talk to you. Rather than risk getting rejected or starting the conversation themselves, they'll position themselves near you and hope you take a hint.
This was looking good — but I didn't take the hint. She sat down with her back to me. She didn't make eye contact. I thought, whatever. Maybe she just wants a place to sit. If this is going to happen, it'll happen. Just the two of us being physically next to each other will make it happen if it's meant to. So I stood there for five more minutes looking like a tool. I watched one guy come up and approach her and start talking to her; it didn't go that well and she didn't seem that interested.
Then there was a woman who was being friendly and talking to everybody. She wasn't attractive to me, and I think she had a yellow or red wristband on. She saw me standing there like a tool — for 25 minutes now — and she said, "Hey, come over here and talk to us." So, all right. I got invited. I walked over. Now the woman who had sat in front of me was on my right side, and this chatty woman was on my left. She asked my name. I reached out and shook everybody's hand at the table. A couple more dudes had come over, and another woman the chatty one was talking to — not the one on my right. The dudes stopped talking to the woman who had been in front of me.
The woman who invited me over was very chatty, had a lot to say, and dominated the conversation. I just stood there mostly nodding my head, occasionally interjecting one sentence for the purpose of humor or a tiny bit of attention. The woman next to me occasionally said a thing or two also. Then the chatty woman finally stopped talking and the conversation died for a minute. So I turned to the woman who had sat in front of me, and I started talking to her.
An Hour of Real Conversation
She had a green wristband on. I complimented her on her earrings: "Hey, those are nice earrings. Those were the first thing I noticed about you when you walked in." She glowed. She lit up. She said thank you, and she started talking to me a lot. She had a drink in her hand, which I assumed was alcohol, so I figured she'd loosened up a bit. She was chatty and friendly. So I went around and sat down in the chair on her right side and talked to her.
Over the next hour, we talked an hour straight. Occasionally she got interrupted by an animal coming over. I eventually put my arm around her chair. I started doing light touch, touching her arm. She talked about how she didn't want to help her friend move, and she'd mentioned weightlifting, so I grabbed the muscle on her biceps: "Seriously? With these arms, you're not trying to help your friend move?" I was having fun. I was flirting. I was matching her energy. I mostly let her talk, and when I did talk, I talked with enthusiasm and passion and emotion, then handed it back over to her. She was laughing. We were having fun.
And I thought, wow. I literally stood here like a tool for 25 minutes, and the one woman worth talking to here literally sat down in front of me. Another woman invited me over. I had to do nothing but stand there and show up. And honestly — I'm a good looking dude. This wouldn't happen if I were some ugly dude. I had about a thousand dollars of outfit on between my watch and my shoes. I wasn't dressed like a bum. I used to go out like a bum, and I can tell you, you don't get treated that friendly dressing like a bum.
So I was having fun. This woman was swearing and I was having a great time. When I saw her drink was empty, I said, "You look like you need another drink." She said, "Oh, I'm just drinking water." Really? "Yeah, I'm so introverted." I told her, "You are not introverted. You've been so fun and interesting, and you did all that without drinking." She said, "Yeah, well, I need to drive like 30 minutes home." Nice — me too.
After about an hour of talking — actually over an hour, close to an hour and a half — I had asked her about 20 minutes earlier, "It's pretty loud in here. Let's get out of here." She kind of laughed. She wasn't quite ready to do that. But at least I offered. And she kept talking to me. Meanwhile, I had my arm around her chair, signaling the other dudes: look, get lost, we're talking to each other. She's got a green wristband, but so do I, and we're focusing on each other. No other guys came up to talk to her, which was nice — aside from the dog that ran over. She talked to it a little, then turned right back to me.
The Restroom Test
Then I could see, based on what she'd said, that she looked ready to go. I said, "I think it's probably about your bedtime." She said, "Yeah, I just need the restroom first." I said, "You can go ahead and hit the restroom, and I'll wait for you over here." She said, "Well, you can stay longer if you want." I said, "I'm good. I'll walk you out — I'm ready to go too. I've got a longer drive home."
She walked off to the restroom, and immediately I thought, dude, that was such a tool move. There was a line for the restroom. I might as well have waited with her. I started getting anxious. Damn, I didn't even get a phone number. She could just walk out the front door without me — she easily could have. Did I mess this whole thing up? But then I thought, no. If she likes me, she will come back. She will come back and she will be interested in exchanging phone numbers with me. All right, just be cool.
So I got up out of the chair and actually started dancing a little. This is fine. And then, 10 or 15 minutes later, I saw her come back from the bathroom. All right, cool. She really does like me. She said, "You're going to walk me out to my car."
The Walk to Her Car
I thought, hell yes, I'm going to walk you out to your car. I didn't talk to you for an hour to not walk you out to your car. And I was thinking, maybe I'll kiss her, and maybe we can go home together. I was open. Open to possibilities. At the very least, we were going to exchange numbers.
So I walked out with her. I would have held her hand, but she had keys in one hand and her purse in the other. All right, I'll take it — I guess I'm not holding her hand right now. She was having a hard time even finding her car, even though she was sober. Like I said, the parking lot and the construction were a mess; she couldn't find it for a minute. She said, "All right, I can't find it from here. I'll see you later." She went in for this big, kind of awkward hug, and I just went in for a nice hard hug. It was obvious she wasn't trying to kiss me right there, and I thought, all right, cool. And she gave me her card. I think she offered her phone number, or maybe I asked — I honestly don't remember exactly how it happened — but however it happened, she ended up giving me her card.
The Texts I Actually Sent
I got back to my car, and two or three minutes later I got the card out. I remembered the last woman I went out with — I was cold, I didn't open up to her emotionally, and then I had a hard time texting her because I was holding back, trying to look like I wasn't putting in too much effort and all that crap a lot of people say on YouTube. With this woman, I decided: just do whatever you think of right off the top of your head. Just go for it.
So let me read you the texts I sent her. I put her in my phone and texted her at 9:54 PM: "Hey [name], this is Jerry Banfield. Thanks for making tonight fun." She texted back almost immediately: "So great meeting you, Jerry." At first I thought, all right, now what? Bro, just say what you want to say — that's honest. So at 9:56 PM I texted: "Yes! When am I seeing you again? LOL." At 9:57 PM she wrote: "When are you free or available? I have to check my schedule too." At 9:58 PM I said: "Tonight, LOL. But I think it's past your bedtime."
See, I made the offer. If she wanted me to come over or something, the offer was on the table — but I couched it in something reasonable and fun. Not heavy, like "hey, let me come over." Just: tonight — but I think it's past your bedtime. She did a "ha" reaction and said, "Truth. LOL." So she made it clear she was having fun — and also, yeah, it's bedtime, you're not coming over tonight. All right, fine.
So I said, "How about something tomorrow?" and gave her a time. She said, "Perhaps. Where would you like to meet?" I said, "Why don't we meet up in St. Pete" — which is an hour-plus drive from where she is. She said that would be awesome, but she couldn't drive that far with her job. So I said, "Awesome, I'll drive and meet you where you're at." She sent me three texts back offering date options and times, very enthusiastic. I narrowed down an option and said cool. When I got home, I sent her three texts in response: "Awesome, look forward to seeing you tomorrow. I just got back — traffic was crazy. Bedtime. Hope you sleep well." Then about 15 minutes later, while I was filming my vlog, she texted: here's where we can meet for coffee.
Then I woke up in the morning and thought, damn it — I booked a massage. I couldn't meet her at the time we'd scheduled, because I'd booked a massage. And there was this other woman trying to meet me for a date tonight too. So I asked, "Can we change the time?" She said sure. We exchanged some more messages, and we've got a date set up now.
Yesterday — literally 24 hours ago — I had no idea what I was going to do Saturday night. Nothing on the horizon for days. Today I literally have two women who both want to go out with me tonight, and I'm trying to figure out how to manage that. This woman is my first choice, and she said she has three hours available tonight. The other woman — I don't know as much about her, but she seems very enthusiastic to see me again. I want to try to see both of them in one night, but they live an hour and a half drive from each other. I could probably figure out how to get the one to drive all the way to Sarasota and make it work. But then how am I going to explain why I'm in Sarasota and why she should meet me there when I live in St. Pete? I'm not going to be with a woman who lives down here. All right, whatever.
The Moral: Date Intuitively
The moral of this story, to me, is that there's a way you can operate. If you can find how you can authentically operate and show up prepared, you don't have to be running all this game. You don't have to be following all these gurus. I'm proud that I showed up last night and let my intuition, my psychic ability, guide me. I paid attention. I had fun. And one of the most attractive women there literally sat down in front of me. I spent most of the night talking to her, got a number, and got a date planned for just a few hours from now. I literally stood there like a tool for 25 minutes and did nothing except watch people.
So I invite you — I hope this story is educational. If you can try to date intuitively, trust yourself, have fun, and just be open to possibilities. And dress nice. I did dress nice. Even though I looked like I was from the IT department, I dressed nice enough that a woman can tell this is a guy who's not broke — unless you want to add up my net worth and try to do that right now — and a guy who takes care of himself, who's good looking, who values his appearance. At the very least, she'd think I've got my life together. I think I have my life together too. Some people might disagree with that.
I hope this story snaps your idea of what you're supposed to do. Just go do you. I went to this thing last night and I did me. Instead of walking up and having random conversations that feel forced and awkward, with stupid small talk, I hardly wasted any time on small talk with this woman. We talked about all kinds of stuff — swearing, funny stories, body language, divorce, relationships, kids, vasectomies. I have not had one, and that was a whole conversation. She said, "I don't see why a guy who's 42 would think he ought to have more kids." And my feeling is: it doesn't matter why you don't see it, because I know why I want more kids. We're looking at a population downtrend, and I'm not having an elective surgery to sterilize myself — to me, that's just stupid. We had a real conversation about real stuff, and it was fun.
I didn't waste any time on awkward, forced conversations. I didn't waste any time talking to anybody I didn't want to talk with. I showed up, I did me, and I got results — probably top 10 or 20 percent of results out of everybody who went there. I don't think very many of the other dudes there made a connection and exchanged phone numbers, based on what I saw. I hope some did. I imagine at least 10, 20, maybe 30 of the dudes who went met a woman and exchanged numbers — maybe it's higher if one woman gave her number to five different dudes. But I had an awesome experience there, and I hope this helps you when you're going out. Just be you. Do you. Have fun.
What I did right was set a clear intention. And when I went to the speed dating earlier, I'd already gotten a phone number there, and then I had a matchmaking date set up, and then I got a tennis date set up. It's kind of silly how life works: when you get on a winning streak, when you feel like you're winning, stuff like this just happens. That's now four women I'm trying to go out with in the next week, and just a little while ago it was zero and I was sad. It's a good reminder that sometimes things can happen very quickly — but you've got to put in the work, and you've got to know where you do best.
I'm glad I wasn't swiping on dating apps yesterday. I was out in person at events for four hours, meeting real women and having real conversations.
If you enjoyed this, come join the Jerry Banfield Family on Skool — check it out, chat with me, tell me where you're at, and you can schedule a call with me too.
For the day-to-day detail on how all of this keeps unfolding, watch my vlogs — and I share more stories like this one in my Dating playlist if you want to follow along on the journey.
I also have dating coaching available if you want direct help with this part of your life — and I've got a nice uncensored chat on my website where you can talk about anything.
Thanks for reading — I really appreciate your love and support.