I recently dated a woman I was really excited about, especially after she told me no games. She said, "I don't want to play games. Let's just be authentic." She said she wanted a man who was authentic. So I thought, great, I can just tell her everything and have a heartfelt connection. I don't have to play the dating game. I don't have to intentionally filter what I tell her, intentionally slow myself down, or intentionally act a certain way in order for her to open up and want to be with me. And for the first week or so, that seemed like it was working well — until my messages ended up looking like a one-way street, where I'm paying attention to her and all she wants is space.
I've been trying to figure this out so I could explain it, because I'm not saying she was wrong or I'm wrong. It's a miscommunication. Now, these are generalizations, and there are all kinds of people dating — this is just a helpful way to think about these dynamics. When she said no games, when she said "I want a man who's authentic," and when she expressed that she liked that I had emotions, that to me meant: great, I can just be myself with no filter and open my heart to her. But from her point of view, that turned into pressure. She needs to run. She's not safe. This is too much. Those seemed to be the things going on in her mind: she needs to pull away, we're just not right for each other, I must like her more than she likes me.
What Playing Games Means to Me
From my point of view, I should have played the game. So what does it mean to me to play games? To me, playing games means I need to act inauthentically. I need to act like I don't like her as much as I do. I need to withhold my interest in her. I can't tell her that she's my queen. I can't tell her that I'm really excited we met. I don't get to compliment her as much as I think I should. I need to let her wonder a little bit whether I like her. She needs to want to spend more time with me and feel like I'm not giving her as much time as she really wants. She needs to feel like I'm very socially valuable and that she's getting a great deal with me.
And what's annoying about this whole scenario is that when I literally did and offered exactly what she seemed to want, that turned out not to be what she actually wanted — especially looking back at some of the stories of men she dated before. It sounds like they were just awful with her, and yet she put much more time and energy into them, despite me offering what I thought she said she wanted.
But I know going forward that there's a difference between how men and women process dating. Now, maybe some women would align with me. Maybe there's a woman out there I wouldn't have to play any games with. But by default now, I need to assume that I must play the dating game. In my experience, no games simply does not work.
How I Played the Game Perfectly 15 Years Ago
I look back to when I met my ex-wife 15 years ago, and I played the game perfectly — because at that point in my life, I was an active alcoholic. I was used to very intentionally modifying my behavior and everything I did and said to fit the audience. If I was hanging out with the boys, I'd act one way with them. Then when I'd go out on a date, I would present the persona I thought would be most effective to get the woman into bed. Playing games was very natural for me. I knew in my 20s that you always show up and filter every single thing that might be a red flag to a woman. You're careful about what you're saying. You don't show you're too interested in her — except with your actions. You do go for a kiss. And my philosophy, too, was that if a woman didn't sound like she was compatible with me, I'd reject her immediately. I didn't concern myself at all with being authentic.
For example, after my ex and I had sex for the first time, I didn't text her the next day, because that to me was how you played the game. If the woman is a quality woman and you just had sex for the first time the day before, she's going to text you. She's going to message first. And if she doesn't, she's not worth keeping. I was playing the game perfectly at that time. I wanted to text her all day. I remember this day very clearly, 15 and a half years ago. I really wanted to text her all day. I was so curious, so nervous, so on edge. But I didn't. I played the game. I said, I can't text her first. And I was so good at the game that the game felt authentic at the time, although uncomfortable. I even made up a reason why: I told myself I'd gotten kind of aggravated when she left, so I'm not texting her. I got to the point where I had learned the game so well that I just played it instinctively. And she reached out and messaged me first. And it worked great — because after she had sex with me, she then had this whole day of uncertainty. Does he like me? Does he want to see me again? He said he'd be my boyfriend and I'd be his girlfriend — why isn't he reaching out? I played the game perfectly.
That's how it went, and all my friends were always saying, "Dude, your ex is so beautiful. Never get divorced. That's the best you're ever going to do." How did I do that? Because I knew the dating game and I played the dating game. I went to any lengths to hide anything that might scare her off. I hid my alcoholism very intentionally from my ex until I had hooked her very hard emotionally and we'd moved in together — six months. I was as inauthentic as possible when it came to my drinking. And then by the time she sees what an alcoholic I am, it's difficult for her to leave at that point. In AA, we call that taking hostages.
And I'm sad to see all this. Maybe there's a woman out there who could watch my vlogs every day and fall in love with me. Maybe there's a woman out there I could just start talking to off the top of my head, and she would love that. But I have to assume — or I'm choosing to assume, or the data seems to be suggesting to me — that I must play the dating game if I want to have a realistic chance with most women.
Loving Women Means Understanding How They Work
Despite all this, I'm not putting women down. I always believe in treating women with respect. That's exactly why I want to learn and take the most effective approach with a woman. I believe in loving a woman as much as possible. Everything I do is out of love. I love even this woman who said she's not interested. I still love her. I still love my ex. I love women so much. I'm very enthusiastic to go out with the woman I have a date with later, and the woman I have a date with tomorrow, and all the women. I love women. And part of love is to respect and understand how people work. I love my children, and part of loving my children is to pay attention to them and understand how they work — that certain approaches with my children work better than others. I don't like threatening my children, so I take the approach of leading by example: I'm going to trust that you're going to do what you say you're going to do. And that seems to work really well.
It seems that with women, even if a woman tells me she doesn't want games and wants me to be authentic, I'm going to have to interpret that — or I'm choosing to interpret that next time — as: she doesn't want to feel like I'm playing games. She doesn't want to feel like I'm being dishonest with her or hiding stuff from her. But I also have to reflect that if I just do my idea of authentic, my idea of not playing games, that's generally not going to work, because of how she operates and how I operate. Most of the time, I've got to play the dating game or I'm not going to get in. I'm not going to find somebody to date if I don't play the dating game, because from my point of view, it's just a game. It's calculations.
Now, yes, there is magic to dating, and maybe I'll find a woman I don't have to play any games with. It might be a little more difficult than usual for me, because as a friend who knows me says, "You're an anomaly. I don't know any other men like you." Maybe some guys can play no games at all, be authentic, and just interface and connect with a woman perfectly because of how they live and how they operate. Maybe you're the kind of guy shaking your head right now thinking, "This isn't a game to me. I normally just operate like this, and it works well with women." Well, back when I drank and was used to hiding and playing games with everyone, it was easy for me too. I could get dates with women — I had a harder time getting dates, but once I got a date, my dating game was very strong, and there was a much higher conversion percentage than now.
The Game Is On Until Proven Otherwise
The main thing I've been doing lately is just trying to be authentic. And it seems like almost no woman actually wants an authentic version of me. But that's OK too, because maybe one day a woman will. I will have to ease into it more. I was trying to ease into it with the queen, but apparently we crossed some threshold where it was too much. And then I think: I should have played the game with her. I should have seen her less. I should have paid way less attention. I should have gotten way less excited, and I should have continued to date other women. It's much easier to just naturally not invest much in one woman. I've got two dates right now, women I'm asking on dates, more dates I'm trying to set up, and a matchmaking service — it's just easier for me not to invest as much in one woman when I'm dating a bunch of women, or talking to them and trying to get dates with a bunch of women.
And then you could argue, well, maybe that's no games. Maybe if I'm not sure exactly how many women I've asked out this week — I've sent messages to several, I've gotten some no's, I've gotten some non-responses — maybe that's who I authentically need to be: a guy who's trying to maximize my options. And then I can authentically just take my time with somebody. Or maybe one day I'll run into a woman who's an anomaly, who's able to handle my heartfelt expression, who's able to really appreciate it when I'm really excited about her, and who's able to express that same thing with me. Maybe I'll find a woman one day that I don't have to play games with. But at this point, I have to assume the dating game is on unless I find very clear evidence that it's not.
If you want to follow the rest of this journey — the wins, the rejections, and everything I'm learning along the way — I share it all in my Dating playlist.
And if you made it all the way through this whole confession, let me get to know you. Come join the Jerry Banfield Family, where you can ask me all these questions directly.
In the Family you can introduce yourself to the whole group and even post your dating profile for review. It's a place for complete, all-around belonging — that's why I call it the Jerry Banfield Family.
You can also schedule a call with me if you'd like to talk one on one.
I won't play any games with you in the Family. I'll respond to your messages as soon as I can. I'll show up the way I am normally: I respond as soon as I can, and I give everything I've got. And maybe one day, a woman will appreciate that.