All twelve of my paid matches are now accounted for. Tawkify sold me twelve dates for $7,500, about $625 per match, and through eleven dates and one cancellation it produced zero second dates. The money bought me lessons instead of a relationship. I walked through every match in 12 Tawkify Matches for $7,500 and 0 Second Dates, recorded a couple of hours before the twelfth date so I would remember what I learned while it still mattered.
The same mistakes repeat across the list. Cognitive dissonance did the most damage: with matchmaking I got a paragraph and no photos, so my mind filled in a perfect woman, and when an ordinary, pretty, laughing human sat down across from me I started nitpicking instead of enjoying her. My desire was low, because a daily solo habit meant I did not need anyone; a few days of NoFap later, every woman looks a point or three better to me. I copied the "high value man puts in no effort" gurus, so I waited two days to text the two most promising matches and both of them ended it in nearly the same words. On the eleventh date I told a woman who had asked for my number first that I don't believe in reaching out to women and that I like to take things slow, and she never wrote again. On the very first date, a woman invited me back to her apartment after dinner and I made no move at all. A friend gave me the line I am keeping: "I'd rather make mistakes than do nothing." I am grateful for these mistakes because I do not have to make them twice.
The posts below show how my view moved, oldest to newest, and the most recent one reverses something I said just before it. The eleventh match, told live in My 11th Matchmaking Date Asked for My Number. I Said I Won't Text First., was an Italian restaurant near Sarasota, her first blind date ever, and her asking to exchange numbers after a little over an hour. At the table I told her I never text first, never ask a woman out and never ask whether she had a good time, and I drove home detached and fine with either outcome. Five days later I had one unanswered message and another $625 gone, and I now count that speech as the thing that sank it.
The match before that, my tenth, is I Paid $750 to Get Ghosted. Lunch, an hour in the Dali Museum, a woman who wants kids and seemed aligned with my values, and about $750 with tickets, lunch and parking. I sent one second-date message the next morning and she never answered; my matchmaker said she was slow with her too. At the time I decided that almost two and a half days of silence was enough to walk away. Today I would have sent several invitations, because one message and then nothing tells a woman I was never that interested.
The September post, I Spent $5,000 on Matchmaking. 0 Second Dates. Here's What I Learned., is where the losses first became a list: real effort in texting, because a two-day pause reads as disinterest; ending a date early when I know I am not attracted; never assuming I am not good enough, because compensating pushes people away; active dates over sit-down dinners; and fun instead of an interview. The newest post proves that list, match by match.
The June posts came first and were the rawest. After my third Tawkify match I liked a woman, texted a pickleball invitation the next morning, and got nothing back. The wait is in My Third Tawkify Match Didn't Text Back After the First Date, and the shorter first date story covers the evening itself, including the bragging I now recognize as feeling I was not good enough for her.
I am not planning to pay for matchmaking again. It is dating on hard mode: it showed me exactly where I lose people, but it was not a shortcut. What I take forward is simple: start from being good enough, make a move when a woman is warm, text like I mean it, and leave the moment I know it is a no. If you are weighing the apps instead, my dating apps breakdown covers what they cost and whether they are worth going back to, and my dating mindset page covers the bigger picture.
Below this opening you will find a contents list and then the posts in full, newest first, starting with the twelve-match breakdown. If you want a second set of eyes on your own profile or on a date that left you confused, you can get a personal video review from me.
On this page
Every post I have written on this subject is below in full, newest first, each under its own heading.
- 12 Tawkify Matches for $7,500 and 0 Second Dates (October 25, 2026)
- My 11th Matchmaking Date Asked for My Number. I Said I Won't Text First. (October 17, 2026)
- I Paid $750 to Get Ghosted (September 17, 2026)
- I Spent $5,000 on Matchmaking. 0 Second Dates. Here’s What I Learned. (September 4, 2026)
- My Third Tawkify Match Didn't Text Back After the First Date (June 15, 2026)
- My Third Tawkify Match: First Date Story (June 15, 2026)
12 Tawkify Matches for $7,500 and 0 Second Dates
From my video published October 25, 2026.
I've paid $7,500 for 12 matches and I've got zero second dates. What I do have is a set of really valuable learning opportunities, and I'm going to share them because I think they'll be helpful. I'm going to break down what happened with each individual match, where things went wrong, and give you an exact play-by-play of how it happened so you can learn from my mistakes. I also want to get this clear in my own mind, because tonight I go on my 12th matchmaking date. After spending $7,500 to get zero second dates, I'd like to apply what I've learned and actually have a good time. The date starts in a couple of hours, so I really want to remember this myself.
There are different matchmaking services you can use. I've used Tawkify, a national matchmaking company that seems to be one of the best in the business. The matches have been pretty good. The problem is that I was doing things that sabotaged them. A friend gave me a line I'm going to borrow: "Jerry, I'd rather make mistakes than do nothing." My dating is a perfect example. I'm grateful I made these mistakes, because now I don't have to make them again, and I can share them so you don't have to make them either.
Match 1: Sarasota and cognitive dissonance
The first date was a bit of a mess. It was the end of February or the beginning of March 2026. I wasn't back on YouTube yet; I was an author. I met up with a woman in Sarasota, and my matchmaker had assured me she was beautiful. And yet my ex-wife was also beautiful, and I quickly started finding fault with this woman and finding reasons not to like her.
What I experienced is called cognitive dissonance, and if you're going to do matchmaking, it's a real problem. With matchmaking I'm not seeing any profile pictures. I get a paragraph description and I trust that my matchmakers found someone I should like. By the time I show up, my mind has filled in the blanks and made this woman so beautiful and so perfect that I love everything about her. Then I see her in person and she's an ordinary human being, which is to be expected. But there I am sitting at the table, and she's smiling and laughing and she's pretty, and all I can feel is that it isn't as good as I thought it would be, because I set the expectations in my head too high. Nobody is going to meet those expectations for real, or almost nobody.
For example, I was critical that she wanted to order a drink. I didn't like how she laughed. I didn't say any of this out loud, but I kept finding these nitpicky details, and she could tell I wasn't that into her.
Despite that, we had dinner, and when I asked whether she wanted to go for a walk afterward, she said she didn't have the right shoes on and invited me back to her apartment instead. Looking back, that was a pretty easy opportunity to get laid. So why didn't I? Because I was in the mindset that it took six dates to get to know my wife, that I wanted to take things slow and not rush into anything. That was 2011. This is 2026, and it seems a lot of the people who are interested enough in finding someone to meet through a matchmaking service are ready to jump into things pretty quickly. I wrote about that slow-down mindset in Dating After Divorce: What I Got Wrong and Why I'm Taking It Slow, and this date is where it started costing me.
She made the invitation. I didn't make any kind of move. I could have at least asked or offered, something as simple as, "Do you want to have sex?" and given her the chance to say yes or no. It would have been very easy for her to refuse. Instead I didn't try to escalate at all and kept things pretty platonic. Later in the date, when we did go walking, I held hands with her. But at some point she started to feel that I didn't desire her that much, which was true. I'd been doing my solo habit every day, and my raw desire for women was down, because I don't need them if I can do everything myself, which is how I'd lived most of my adult life. Add to that being used to a beautiful ex-wife, plus the expectations and the cognitive dissonance, and the whole setup was wrong. If I did that date again, I might have got laid right there in her apartment, and maybe she would have become my girlfriend. That's not how it worked out, and that's fine.
I did go back up to her apartment a second time so I could use the restroom before the drive home, and I gave her a kiss on the lips. By then it seemed like she'd been really interested in me at one point, then started to feel a little rejected and changed her mind somewhere in our conversations. She was warm and open the first time we went back to her apartment. The second time she wasn't feeling the energy she was looking for. A friend said something to me last night that fits: what she liked about her boyfriend was that he was just dripping with sex, he was so horny and wanted her so bad. This woman probably wasn't feeling that from me.
We exchanged numbers and she agreed to a second date. Then she Googled Jerry Banfield. At the time I was just writing books and there were hardly any videos on YouTube, so what she found was a video by Blockchain Pill about my divorce on YouTube. After that she turned toxic, canceled the second date and didn't want to see me again.
I'll speed the rest of these up, but this is the biggest one. The woman literally invited me back to her apartment right after dinner. That's as easy as it gets. All I had to do was make a move and see how she responded. My read is that she probably would have responded and we probably would have had sex if I'd made any move at all. I made none, until it was time to go and she'd already decided I was taking too long or wasn't that into her. This is a woman who definitely liked me until she saw my YouTube videos.
Match 2: Late, carnivore, and the woman who sent me back to YouTube
The second match was cognitive dissonance again, and I didn't realize it was happening. I met up with her and she was a little heavy and about 20 minutes late, and I was super toxic about both of those things. Not to her, but in my own mind: she's not good enough. Then she told me she eats a carnivore diet, the exact opposite of my whole-food plant-based vegan diet, and after that I just couldn't get over it. She was late, she eats carnivore, I eat plants.
But she was a content creator, and she is the one who inspired me to get back on YouTube. I started back on YouTube the very day I went out with her. This is why it's so nice: even when you make mistakes in your dating, they can still inspire you in the rest of your life. Where you won't be inspired is sitting at home watching porn, scrolling, and watching videos that are purely entertaining or that tell you what you want to hear. Getting out with real people and making mistakes is so much better, which is the whole argument of Dating Is the Most Worthwhile Thing You Can Possibly Do.
So I decided almost immediately that I didn't like her, and yet I tried to have a conversation and practice my dating. Then I told her too much. I said things that signaled red flags and kept saying things that put her off. She texted me right afterward to say her intuition told her this wasn't right. I agreed, and that was it.
Something worth noticing about these early matches: for a long time I never followed up with any of these women. I deleted the first match's number immediately. I deleted the second match's number immediately.
Match 3: Gorgeous, successful, and I started bragging
The third woman is gorgeous. She is so beautiful, a successful professional in her field, and still in her twenties while I'm 42. All of that together got me feeling insecure, and I started bragging and overcompensating because she's obviously very smart and professionally respected. I slid into "Oh my God, she's too good for me, I'm not good enough for her."
It got sad, because at the beginning of the date she was also late and she wanted a drink, and I was toxic about that again, in my mind rather than to her, because this time my matchmaker had told me she didn't drink. If I had it to do over, I'd let this woman have a few drinks, ask her if she wanted to come back to my place, and stay chill. I wouldn't brag, because she was very interested in me. She seemed physically attracted to me and she was having a lot of fun at the start of the date. But my bragging, and my clearly feeling that I wasn't good enough for her, meant that by the end she couldn't wait to get away from me. She gave me her phone number, I texted her once to play pickleball, she never responded, and I deleted her number after that.
What I learned from that date is that if you're bragging, it's because you feel you're not good enough, and you need to stop and realize: I am good enough for any woman. The question is whether we're compatible. Am I what she's looking for? And what she's looking for isn't necessarily how I judge myself. I have to start from a place of being good enough and go from there. I'd done that exercise once before, in Before a Matchmaker Date, I Wrote Down the 3 Things I Offer a Woman. Money Wasn't One., and this date showed me how fast it evaporates when a woman intimidates me.
If you want to talk about your dating life with me, I would love to listen to your story. I don't get to know you through comments, and I spend all this time talking; I'd love to hear from you instead. You can send me your story by email, audio message or video and I'm available to listen. I'm here to support you, not to tell you what to do. I think people who present themselves as experts are so fake; nobody knows everything about dating, because dating is complicated. What I have to offer is real, heartfelt dating, learning from my own mistakes and my own experiences. And as I put it in You Can Be Terrible at Dating and Still Find Love, being bad at this doesn't disqualify you from the outcome.
Match 4: The most promising date, and two days of silence
The fourth date was probably one of the absolute most promising dates I went on. This woman was beautiful, rich, a decade younger than me, and she wanted kids. I can read body language, even if you might not think so from my videos. She was very into me. She talked 80 percent of the time, because I asked her all kinds of questions and she was really enjoying talking. When I walked her back to her car I could tell she wanted me to kiss her, so I pulled her in tight for a hug and gave her a kiss. I think now that if I'd invited her back to the house, there's a good chance she says yes, or a good chance we go on a second date and it happens there.
But at that time I was thinking, I don't want to move too fast. This from a guy who has had sex on the first date. A guy who in his 20s was willing to go to the strip club, go into the VIP room and have sex, or open the phone book and pay for an escort. That's the guy now saying, "Well, I need to take my time. This hookup culture is garbage." It seems ridiculous, doesn't it? Bro, if they want sex, just be honest. You want it too.
Then I didn't even give this woman my number. I didn't ask for hers. I was trying to play too cool, because I'd been watching a bunch of guys on YouTube tell me all this stuff and I was trying it out. She told the matchmaker she really liked me and wanted my phone number, so the matchmaker gave me her number the next day and I texted her. She was eager to set up a second date.
Then I accidentally sent her my YouTube channel. I never do this, but I texted her a collaboration video I was supposed to send to a friend, something like me and him doing an ICP crypto video, and I think the title was "Should I Borrow Money to Buy ICP?" It was the worst possible video to accidentally send her, the perfect trigger for "this guy's a broke loser." She didn't respond all night. The next morning I woke up and she'd agreed to a second date with me at the beach. Her last message, Sunday night, was "Looking forward to seeing you."
I didn't text her for 48 hours. Two whole days. In my mind, I had the date set up, so what else was there to do? And I was taking care of myself every day, so I was good. I was fantasizing about her; I didn't need her actual person. Then she suddenly sent a text saying she wasn't feeling the chemistry. I was devastated. I was crying. What the hell happened? I didn't get it then, but now I get it.
Step one: I should have invited her over to the house. She was very warm and it seemed like there was a good chance she'd come over. If not, she'd at least have known that this guy is very sexual and very interested in her, and that would have been chemistry. I didn't demonstrate any of it. Then I accidentally sent her that video, and maybe she saw it. But most of my friends say the same thing: "Dude, this woman was ten years younger than you and you didn't text her for two whole days. She sent the last message." I didn't say good morning. I didn't reply. I didn't say I was looking forward to the second date. I literally didn't text her for two days. I unpacked exactly this mistake in I Thought Waiting to Text Made Me More Attractive. I Was Wrong., and the sad part is that I had to repeat the same experiment with another woman before it sank in. That's why I make these videos, so I don't forget this stuff.
Now that I'm not gooning anymore, I can't imagine having a woman I'm interested in and not texting her until she comes over, or until she tells me to stop, or until she doesn't reply to 20 or 30 messages. At this point I'm thirsty and I want it. My friends have been saying that women expect you to be thirsty. Not all women, but the kind of woman I want, with a healthy sex drive, who still wants to have kids, is probably going to want a guy she can feel is thirsty for it and desires her a lot. That's what my ex loved about me. She hated to admit it, hated to even discuss how horny she was for me when we got together and how badly she wanted it all the time. The way I've been acting lately, women don't think that about me at all. I felt bad after that fourth date.
Match 5: "I don't find you that physically attractive," and I canceled anyway
The fifth woman was a couple of years older than me, but beautiful, and we went to a nice restaurant together. Most of these were nice restaurants; the second date was coffee, the rest were dinners. By the end of the date I'd told her, "I like you and I definitely want to see you again." And yet I didn't go for a kiss, I didn't invite her over to the house, and I was acting way too friendly. She told the matchmaker she wasn't sure she wanted to see me again, but she exchanged numbers with me, and on a phone call a day or two later she said, "I just don't find you that physically attractive."
That's actually okay. Over the long term, women tend not to care as much about a guy's physical appearance; all the data supports that, and women often don't care that much about finding a guy physically attractive. If I'd been in hard lust mode, she would have felt that I wanted her more, and I think what she was really saying was "I can't feel that you want me that bad." Maybe she wanted a guy with bigger shoulders or had some idea like that. But she still scheduled a second date with me anyway.
Then I called her the next day to cancel it. I told her, look, if you're not physically attracted, I don't need this. If I had it to do over, I'd go on the second date. I literally canceled a second date with a beautiful woman with a six-figure job. Maybe she had some issues of not being quite sure, but we had a lot in common. She's the only one of all these women I actually reached back out to later. I said something like, "Sorry for canceling that second date on you. I wish I'd given you another chance." She didn't respond. I sent that message once and left it there.
Match 6: Four hours to Orlando for job-interview mode
For the sixth match I drove all the way to Orlando to meet a woman for coffee in the morning. I don't know if she gave off the vibe that she didn't like me right away, or whether I told myself the story that she didn't like me and then self-sabotaged from there. Either way I was in boring job-interview mode. Maybe it was because it was first thing in the morning and I'd gotten up and driven to Orlando, but whatever it was, it was the most boring date I had with any of these women. She made it clear she didn't want my number and had no interest in seeing me again. I drove back to St. Petersburg feeling like a dummy: $625 for that match, and four hours of driving for a boring date. I've collected more of these in First Dates: Honest Stories From My Dating Life.
Match 7: The one I canceled for the queen
The seventh match I actually canceled. I blew $625 because I got so fired up over a woman I called the queen, whom I met at yoga in July. I met her on a Monday. By Thursday I'd told her I would stop seeing other women so I could see her, even though we hadn't kissed and hadn't even held hands. We were literally on our second date, if you count the instant date the first time we met. I told that whole story in It All Comes Down to the Stories You're Telling: Yoga, the Queen, and My Worst Business System Yet.
So I had this matchmaking date scheduled for Friday and I canceled it. If I had that to do over, I would not commit to a woman until we're having sex and I have a very clear sense that we're highly compatible. Oops. I learned that the hard way. The match I canceled lived about four hours away, but on paper she looked really good, and compared to talking to a woman in South Africa, a four-hour drive in Florida feels like the woman is next door. I definitely would not have agreed to be exclusive and canceled that match.
Match 8: Beautiful, lean, and I was too hurt to feel anything
The eighth match was one of, if not the most promising. Her versus the fourth: both beautiful, both with lots of money and successful six-figure jobs. This woman was very lean, just beautiful. As soon as I saw her I thought, my God, she's hot. Between her and the third date it's a real competition for the hottest, with exactly the kind of body I like and a beautiful face.
And yet I was still hurt at this point. I'd dated the queen for a couple of weeks, got all upset, and my heart was closed to this new woman. I had a hard time feeling anything for her. I was so in my head that at one point during the date she said, "I can't tell if you even like me or not." I was playing games with her and not being heartfelt. Still, she enjoyed the date. She texted me 30 minutes afterward, very enthusiastic, nice messages, and I had so little energy or desire for her that I found it grueling to send a text back. I took two hours to respond to her first message. Maybe we weren't on the same wavelength, maybe I was too much in my head, maybe it was the daily solo habit, maybe I was still heartbroken from the last woman. I found it difficult to go back and forth with her, and every time she didn't respond quickly, I artificially inserted the same delay into my own replies. As I argued in Men and Dating in 2026: Why I Say Men Must Make the Move, that is exactly backwards.
We had a phone call three or four days after the date, and she asked me for a travel story. I told her one of my more embarrassing ones: going to the casino by myself while I lived with my parents, leaving my phone at home so they couldn't contact me and had no idea where I'd gone.
I gambled all night, drank all night, passed out in the hotel room at 7 a.m. and got back up at 1 p.m. when the maid came in. I walked out of the room because I was paranoid about paying for another night, threw up in the sink, threw up in the hotel room, then went down and had lunch and tried to sleep in the casino bathroom. That was the story I told her when she asked for a travel story.
Clearly I was trying to put her off. I knew it wasn't a good idea to tell her that story, and her interest in me seemed to drop drastically after I told that ghetto story of my life, when I have other travel stories that are cool. I could have told her about going to SteamFest and the people I got to bring on stage and how happy everybody was. I could have told her about going to South Korea to meet a client. I have travel stories with my parents from when I was a teenager. There are so many travel stories I could have told, and I picked the one that made me look bad, and her interest seemed to drop right after.
She did say one thing that stuck with me. I was asking her about effort, and she said, "I appreciate effort from a man. I want a guy who puts in effort." At the time I was deep into all these guys putting out garbage videos about how low effort is sexy, how if you're a high-value man you don't put effort into messaging women, you make them come to you. I was into all that crap, so I was doing the minimum with her texting. It was hard to even text her. It felt annoying, and I don't know if that was her or me. I felt like I couldn't just be myself with her. Maybe that's because we weren't that compatible, maybe it's because I wasn't wanting her that badly, and I was still hurt over the last one.
Whatever it was, she took something like twelve hours to respond to one of my messages, then said she was going camping with her family and wouldn't be able to charge her phone for a couple of days. I took that as a signal to wait two days before replying. Same theme as the fourth match. Remember that? And that was it for her. I sent a message, she took two days and didn't reply, I sent another message, and she sent one back saying she was done with me. Same thing as the fourth date, and she had literally told me not to do that. Then I did it.
Good lesson. If you really like someone, put in the effort to make sure they know it. If I like the woman I'm meeting tonight, she's going to have no doubt how interested I am in her, because a woman may be distracted and have a lot of other things going on, and the dumbest thing I can do is let her think I'm not interested when I very much am. I did like this eighth woman. I was attracted to her physically, she was so intelligent, and I respected her. If I had it to do over, I'd ask her back to my house at the end of the date, because she was pretty warm, and if she says no, at least she knows I'm interested. I'd double text, triple text, send her any kind of message to let her know I was thinking of her. That's the lesson of I Expected Her to Reject Me. Then I Made It Happen. all over again. And I would not tell a travel story that makes me look like an alcoholic. I am one; I'm sober twelve and a half years. But when you've barely met a woman, don't tell her one of your alcoholic stories, at least not when she seems gentle, unlike some of the rougher women I've gone out with who love that stuff.
Match 9: "Men commit all the crimes"
Wrapping these up, the ninth match was very superficial and extremely toxic. As soon as she saw me she seemed disappointed. She seemed to get hit hard with the cognitive dissonance, as if she'd pictured me as some big, huge, muscular guy, and she was immediately let down by my appearance. She was argumentative right after that, talking about me wasting her time five minutes into the date.
Before the date, she'd asked for a virtual date and then canceled. I said no, I paid $625 for this and you live in Tampa; I told my matchmaker it's an in-person date or I'll take another match. So this woman showed up resentful, with a bad attitude before we even sat down. If I had it to do over, I'd get up and leave five minutes in, the moment she said, and I quote, "Men commit all the crimes." She said that after complaining about how dangerous life is for a woman and how hard she had to work to get ready for the date. I'd responded that, according to the statistics, life is actually more dangerous for men: men are victims of violent crime more often than women, men have shorter lifespans than women, and I could go on, and I did go on just a little more than that. Her answer was, "Men commit all the crimes."
If I had it to do over, I would get up, walk out and say, "Thank you for your time. I am not interested in talking with you anymore. See you later." When the attitude is that bad and you can feel it immediately, that's the respectful thing to do. She said I was looking at her weird. You mean I'm making eye contact? She said I was leaving awkward silences. You mean I'm waiting a moment for you to speak instead of immediately running over you? I saw this poor woman later that night on the dating apps, and this is a woman you'd all trip over yourselves to go out with on the apps. In person, a complete disaster. I reported her to the matchmaking service as the one-star worst match. They said, "We're so sorry. Do you want a different matchmaker?" I said no. The matchmaker was fine; she just said what she needed to say. That one was rough.
Match 11: "I don't believe in reaching out to women"
Two left, and I'm having a hard time remembering who's who at this point, so let me take the 11th before the 10th. The 11th match was more than a decade younger than me, in her twenties, and she seemed to be into me. She'd never done a blind date before and was a little awkward at the start, but she warmed up, and she gave very positive feedback to the matchmaker afterward: I was a gentleman, I made her feel comfortable and safe. Really good feedback.
So what went wrong? She could probably tell I wasn't that interested in her. She could clearly tell I wasn't lusting over her very hard. My matchmaker had said this woman was beautiful, and I was thinking, I don't know that I'd call her beautiful. She's all right. Now, I've noticed something: I'm on day three of NoFap, and every woman starts to look a point or three better. There's a beautiful woman I know whom I saw today and thought, absolute goddess, oh my God, she is so hot. But on the night of this date I was in the middle of lots of fapping and I wasn't feeling the draw to her much.
She asked for my phone number first. She said it was awesome that I made money online with YouTube. She brought up second dates with me several times in several contexts. So where did I go wrong? First, I said that I don't believe in reaching out to women. Somebody who heard that said, "Dude, why would you say that? That's so stupid." I said it because at the time I wanted to see whether women would reach out to me. Apparently most of the time they don't. I'd gone all the way down that road in I'll Never Ask a Woman Out Again and How to Get a Woman to Approach You Without Saying a Word, and this match is what that experiment actually produced. I told her, "I don't believe in reaching out to women. I'll wait for you to message me first." She said that sounded fine. Then I added what I think was the real kicker: I said I like to take things slow. After that, I think she decided I was wasting her time.
Then I didn't text her for four days, because I was waiting for her to message. She didn't. I sent one single message saying I'd be free on Thursday. She didn't respond, and it's now five days later, Tuesday to Saturday. Essentially another $625 gone.
Match 10: The tattoo that matched the restaurant
The 10th match was so unremarkable I was having a hard time remembering absolutely anything about her, and honestly that's the saddest and most disappointing part of this whole list. Who was the 10th match, bro? I had to go read my notes to remember. Then it came back: this woman literally had a tattoo on her arm that matched the place I took her. We had a good time and she seemed like she enjoyed the date. I asked for her number and she gave it. She responded to my initial message. I asked her for a second date and she didn't reply, but my matchmaker said that's normal for her; she's often not very responsive. I did not try again.
If I were doing that again, I'd make multiple efforts to invite her to do something, even if she didn't respond. At least it shows I'm very much interested. If she doesn't respond to one message and never hears from me again, she figures he wasn't that interested. One of the biggest shifts I ever made in dating came from exactly this kind of persistence, which I described in I Started Talking to 14 Women at Once. Everything Changed.
So that's eleven matches met or canceled, $7,500 spent, and zero second dates. The pattern is obvious once I lay it out: cognitive dissonance walking in, no move at the end, a daily solo habit draining my desire, "taking it slow" as a script I didn't even believe, waiting days to text, and stories that made me look worse than I am. Tonight, on the 12th date, I'm going in with none of that. If I like her, she'll know it. If you want to watch each of these lessons unfold as I lived them, they're all in my Dating playlist.
My 11th Matchmaking Date Asked for My Number. I Said I Won't Text First.
From my live stream on October 17, 2026.
She got her phone out and asked if I wanted to exchange numbers, and I told her I will never text first. That was the moment I kept thinking about after my eleventh matchmaking date, and I told the whole story on my live stream the next night because I genuinely did not know how the date went.
I met this woman at an Italian restaurant near Sarasota. I got there a little early, and she let the matchmaking service know she would be a little late. This was my 11th match out of a $7,500 package of 12 matchmaking sessions, and I had had zero second dates so far. Zero. Going into this one, I was trying to stay in a place of gratitude rather than expectation. I had said "I'm grateful" and "thank you" over 500 times that day, some of it out loud and a lot of it silently, because saying it a thousand times was exhausting. I took a 30-minute run in the rain by myself too, and it was a nice run.
A booth, a Caesar salad, and a woman who liked YouTube
I made sure to ask the waiter's name, and I got us a nice booth. I sat down and was disappointed to see they did not have any pizza, so I ordered a Caesar salad with bacon, even though I eat a whole-food plant-based vegan diet, and I got some potatoes too.
I want to protect her privacy, so I will not describe her too much. What I will say is that she reacted positively to me being on YouTube, and that was a breath of fresh air, because some of the women I went out with did not react positively to it at all. When I told her I was on YouTube, she said, "That's so cool. You can make money that way." And I said yes, isn't it cool that I can make money this way now? I think it is cool, so that was nice.
What my matchmaker means by "beautiful"
I noticed something odd about how my matchmaker described these women. Out of the 11 women I went out with, she used the word "beauty" or "beautiful" for two of them. My matchmaker had talked with me on Zoom, so she had a pretty clear idea of what I find attractive, and I thought we were on the same page. Yet the two women she called beautiful were, to me, in the bottom quarter of the 11. Some of the women she set me up with without using that word were very attractive. It was almost like she was saying it backwards. My best guess is that she has a quota to fill, and that some matchmakers do not even consider attractiveness.
The key thing is that this woman was attractive enough. I know "she looked good enough" is probably exactly what every woman wants to hear after a date, but that is honestly how looks work for me. Looks are a bar. If you are over the bar, the rest of it is personality, how we get along, and how much she likes me.
What I am starting to get turned on by a lot more is a woman desiring me. I want a woman to actually desire me, because my relationship with my ex-wife was all about me desiring her. One of the things that killed that relationship was me not desiring her as much anymore, and me desiring other women. So I was thinking it would be really nice to have a woman who desires me. Maybe I will have to find a woman I desire a lot instead, but that is more difficult now because I am not as superficial as I used to be.
That same date showed me how sharp the contrast is. This woman did not know me, and I was surprised to find it was harder to get turned on by someone who does not know me. I used to be able to look at a woman's body and immediately be interested. Now my heart seems to say I need to get to know her first.
Her first blind date ever
The conversation started out kind of awkward. It was the first blind date she had ever been on, so she was a little awkward, and it was kind of funny because she had never done this before. I led and carried most of the conversation. I helped her get warmed up, and soon enough we were talking over each other, so the conversation got going well. She was asking lots of questions about me being on YouTube. I tried to ask questions about her too, but out of the two of us I was probably the more interesting person in that conversation, and I could not get much interesting out of her, honestly. I know I am not the ideal first blind date for a lot of women, but there has got to be a woman out there who feels like she hit the lottery getting me on a blind date.
She is at least a decade younger than me, and according to the matchmakers she is very interested in starting a family and made it seem timely. She had set her profile up about a year earlier, so it was a little out of date in some areas.
When she arrived, she went to shake my hand, and I went in for a hug instead, so we hugged. I liked that because it mirrored the way I met my ex-wife. When I first met her, I went to shake her hand and she gave me a hug.
The match who had a bad attitude the moment she saw me
None of my matches had walked out or faked an emergency call to get away from me. Only one was obviously unhappy, and I think that woman was hit with cognitive dissonance. She was not the woman from this date; she was an earlier match.
The way I understand it, when your brain does not have enough information, it fills in the details, often based on whatever you expect, whatever you would like to have, or whatever your routines are. This earlier match had a really bad attitude as soon as she saw me, and I imagine it was because she had pictured me differently than I am. She was in pain because she had created expectations about what I would be like, and I did not match her superficial expectations. I think she wanted me to have bigger arms or something, and she had told my matchmaker she wanted a tall guy, which was a bit of a warning.
So now I explain that concept to dates first thing, and I did it with this woman. I said that if you have not done this before, one of the challenges is that your mind can build up all these expectations, and the actual experience can be disappointing. The difference between what your mind expected and fantasized and what the reality is can create pain. She seemed to understand that. I tried to help her be at ease, told her that if she had any feelings like that she could just speak into them, and then I let the conversation go from there.
She asked for my number
I guess it went pretty well, because after a little over an hour at the table, after we had eaten our food, she got her phone out and said, "You want to exchange numbers?" That was a good sign, because most of the women I had been out on blind dates with did not suggest exchanging numbers. Either I asked them, or they did not seem interested. She could easily have just walked out.
She looked at me and said something like, "How does this work? Do we exchange numbers? Do you want to give me your number?" And I said sure, I would give her my number.
Then I had the conversation. I said, "Look, I think it's important these days to make communication clear. I am very responsive. I get back to people quickly most of the time. I think what's most important is the woman's emotions and communication, and therefore I don't text or call first. I don't ask out on a date. I don't say, 'Did you have a good time?' I don't do that. I'm here if you want me, and don't worry about it if you don't."
She seemed to like that. She said, "Good, because sometimes when guys text me, I'm not really in the mood to hear from them or talk to them, and I don't know what to say." And I said, "Exactly." I hate messaging a woman who, for whatever reason, just does not feel like talking to me at that moment. I only want to talk to a woman who is very interested in seeing me. I have written more about why I landed here in why I'll never ask a woman out again.
She gave me her number right there at the table, and then she texted me her name. I did not respond to that text, because she was sitting right there. I acknowledged out loud that I got her message and commented on her phone number, so she knew I got it, but I did not reply to it. So the score was this: she had sent me one text, and I had sent her zero. And there was zero chance I was going to reach out to her.
What felt really good was that I kept wondering whether she would text me, and at the same time I felt completely settled that I would not text her. She knows that if she wants to see me again, it is completely on her. I hope she did not take that as me not being interested, but if she did, that is up to her.
The parking lot hug
After the date, we walked out to the car, and this time she went in to give me a hug and I hugged her back. It was interesting to notice how hug dynamics work. You see these silly videos about what the way you hug her supposedly means. I tend to like to squeeze a little more. She gave me a light hug at first, then I squeezed a little more, and she squeezed back and took the hug more seriously. It was nice.
In my head I was thinking, realistically, I am probably never going to see you again, am I? I am meeting this random person. Here is a hug. Have a nice life. This is probably going to be all the interaction we ever have.
What was nice was feeling the detachment. I drove home thinking, I have no idea how that date went. I would see her again. Do I like her? I do not know. I do not know her well enough to even know whether I like her. She is certainly attractive enough, we had a nice conversation, and she seemed to like me. If she invites me out to do something again, then I will know better whether I like her. I feel like I did a great job showing up and being present without all those expectations.
Have I become the guy I would have mocked in my 20s?
Later I talked to someone who was going on about sleeping with women on first dates from dating apps, and it made me ask myself: if this woman had wanted to sleep with me after the date, would I have said yes? I do not think I would have. If she had said, "Hey, do you want to go back to your place and have sex?" I would probably have said, "Nah, I'm good. We just met."
I actually told her on the way out the door, after we had exchanged numbers and before the hug, that I like to take things slow and get to know a woman, because rushing into things is how you get into bad situations.
Then I caught myself thinking, have I become a woman now? This is how confusing all the ideas about how men are and how women are can get. I have become the guy I would have made fun of in my 20s, when I used to have sex on the first date. But I do not want to jump into something with a woman I do not know, because that is how bad things happen. That is how you catch charges. That is how you get a kid and end up paying child support. That is how you catch an STD. There are so many bad things that can happen from jumping into things too quickly.
Wait three or four days and send one message?
One viewer told me to wait three or four days and then send her one message saying I had a good time. That is what a lot of guys do, and it is what a lot of the advice says. I went back and forth on that kind of advice myself in I Thought Waiting to Text Made Me More Attractive. But here is the thing: I told her I am not going to message her first, which made it clear I am never going to message her first.
She was also talking about things we could do together on a second date. She said things like, we could go do this together, we could go do that together, that would be fun. Because I have been out on enough dates this year, I now read that as real interest: she was interested enough to be talking about a second date with me, and that is cool. When someone asked me whether she offered a second date, my answer was that she asked for my number and talked about what we could do next, and I told her, "Look, if you want to go out again, send me a message. I'm not going to message you first. If you feel like going out with me, reach out and I'll be responsive."
I am very in touch with my feminine side now. A lot of women today seem very masculine in dating. They want to escalate things. They want to initiate. If you are the one initiating, they are turned off. They want to choose you and pursue you. Not all women are like that, though. I dated some women who wanted to be pursued, and as soon as I stopped pursuing, they gave up. That actually made it easier, because otherwise I would have had to say no thanks. If you are wrestling with the same question, I went deeper on it in Who's Supposed to Text First?
She does not know my last name yet
I did not wear a Jerry Banfield shirt, and as far as I know she does not know my last name. She was kind enough to just ask my first name, and I thought, great, I would love for you not to be able to look me up on YouTube yet. I did wonder whether my iPhone had already given me away, because I have it set to automatically share my name and photo with contacts. I asked Gemini whether that happens as soon as she messages me or only when I message her back, and the answer was that it shares only once I reply. Since I had not replied, she did not have my name and photo yet. Good. It is better that way. I would rather she get to know me and be interested in me before she starts watching my videos.
One more funny moment from the table: she wanted to make a bet with me about how old the house was that the restaurant was in. I said it looked like it was from the 1920s, and she thought it was newer. I think I would have won that bet.
So that is where match 11 of 12 stood: one text from her, zero from me, a second date only if she wants one, and a lot more peace than I felt after earlier matches. If my dating stories have helped you and you want to support me making more of them, you can leave a tip at jerrybanfield.com/tip/.
I Paid $750 to Get Ghosted
From my video published September 17, 2026.
I paid $750 for a date with a woman where it seemed like everything went perfectly. And you're not going to believe how this turned out.
Here is how I paid the $750. I have a matchmaking service that I paid $7,500 for twelve dates. This was my tenth woman on the matchmaking service. I paid for the service because my friend's friend said it was awesome and he was sure I'd find somebody on it. On the first nine dates, I got zero second dates. This tenth date looked to be the most promising of all of them. Every woman I get matched with effectively costs $625 for the introduction and the in-person date, so I had effectively paid $625 before we even met.
The perfect date spot
I told the matchmaking service the exact location I wanted to go to. It was a local art museum, because the woman's profile said she liked museums, and she wanted a coffee date. I thought, great, let's go to the coffee shop at the Dali Museum. I arrived there, she arrived, and she looked good. We sat down and ended up having lunch at the cafe at the Dali. We had a great conversation. I told her I'm a YouTuber, and she reacted really positively, which is getting to be uncommon. A lot of women react negatively, like, "Oh, what's that?" or "How do you make money doing that?" She was like, "Oh, cool. I was really into YouTube a few years ago." She asked what my channel was. I said they're all Jerry Banfield, and I told her she should probably wait to watch my content, because it's like diving into the deep end of the pool.
Then she asked me more questions. I was talking less than she was. She was having fun, she was laughing, and we were getting lunch. She seemed smart, and she seemed to appreciate that I'm an intelligent fella. We had a really nice lunch. Then I spent about $50 on tickets to the Dali Museum. So by the time I paid for the museum tickets, the lunch, and the parking, the whole date came out to about $750 for the entire experience.
We took an hour walking around the Dali Museum. I was focused on having fun and trying to follow the Owen Cook approach: be fun first and foremost. I was making jokes, I was getting her to laugh, and she was laughing. We were talking about the artwork. It seemed like everything was going awesome. We walked through the museum going back and forth between silly comments that generated laughter and deep discussions about art and the meaning of life. I was trying to be fun, and I was thinking, this is going great. My matchmaker had said she was really excited about this date and thought there was a lot of compatibility here. The woman wants to have kids, and her values seemed very well aligned with mine. I was thinking, awesome, awesome. What could possibly go wrong here? Certainly nothing.
I had my kids to go pick up. She already knew I was divorced, she already knew I have kids, and she seemed totally okay with it. Then I got a call from my ex-wife while we were on the date. I had my phone silenced, and there is nobody else I would have answered the phone for, but I thought, okay, it's my ex-wife, I need to take this. She said, "Hey, you're picking our son up from school." I saw that my ex had texted me an hour before to double-check that I was picking our son up, which she normally doesn't do, but I had it on the calendar, and everything in our calendars is still shared. I said, "Yeah, I've got him. Don't worry about it." I hung up the phone, we went back to looking at all the art, and everything was cool.
A handshake, a garden, and a phone number
On a lot of my first dates I'll end up holding hands with the woman, because that really escalates things nicely physically. I wasn't really feeling the vibe to hold hands, but I was making a little gentle physical contact, putting my hand on her back a little, just gentle introductory physical contact. She seemed to be liking it, although she did shake my hand when she met me, which is unusual. Most of the women I've met from a dating app or matchmaking start off with a hug. This woman shook hands. But that was fine. It was cool, right?
We walked down around the garden, and she seemed like she was having a great time. Everything was awesome. We walked out to the car and I said, "This was fun. What would make a nice second date?" She talked about wanting to go to Treasure Island, her favorite beach. I said, "Great. When are you free? Why don't we check our calendars now?" She said she needed to go check her work schedule. I said, "Cool. Do you want to give me your number so we can figure it out?" So she gave me her phone number.
I went and picked my son up from school. As soon as I got home, about 30 minutes later, I sent her a message: "Hey, I had a nice time with you." I didn't mention the second date right away. It was a generic after-date message, nothing special. Then for about six hours I didn't hear anything from her. I was thinking, really? Six hours? But then she sent me a message right before bed saying it was a pleasure spending time with me today and thanks for the date earlier. Great, great. So we're doing good, right?
I didn't message her that night because I was about to go to bed with the kids. The next morning I woke up and sent her a message saying, "Good morning. Went to sleep early with the kids. Let's go to Treasure Island. When is a good time for our second date?"
Two and a half days of silence
It has been two days now. Almost two and a half days. No response. I'm baffled. I don't understand. I don't get it. I don't understand how you go on a date with somebody you said you had a good time with, where I read body language, I pay attention, I listen, and she looked like she was having a great time, and then you don't respond for two days.
I'm on top of everything important going on in my life all the time. I'm responding to people. I'm a YouTuber, and people join at jerrybanfield.com. I had a call scheduled with me today. Actually, I had a couple of calls scheduled with me today. I had a Cameo to film. I had messages on my Skool. I had other text messages coming in, personal and work related. This is the fourth video I've filmed today. I took my kids to school this morning. I went to a yoga class this morning, which I forgot to mention in my vlog for some reason. I'm going to an AA meeting later. And I responded to all the messages I got today. I don't get it.
So I texted my matchmaker yesterday before five, figuring she might still be at work. I sent her a screenshot of the exact message I sent, the exact message my date sent, and the exact message I sent after that, and I said, "No response. I don't get it." The matchmaker texted me back this morning and said, "Yeah, she was that way with me too. Sometimes she would take several days to get back to me." This woman had also canceled the first date at the same location.
Now, what's crazy is I just happened to pick the best possible location I probably could have taken this woman to. She absolutely loved the museum. She was really excited to go there. She was really into all the artwork. I picked the perfect date spot. I was fun. I looked good. She seemed like she had fun. And she still ghosts me. I am so baffled. And my matchmaker said, "I don't understand it either." My matchmaker said I have such a great offer for women that she would figure they'd be begging to spend time with me. Now, maybe my matchmaker is just good at her job, and maybe she's telling me what I want to hear, which I do want to hear. But my matchmaker has also gotten a lot of positive feedback from women who went out with me and then consistently canceled second dates with me. I don't get it. I don't get it at all.
You're not alone in this
Here are some possible explanations. I'm making this because I hope that if this stuff is happening to you, you know you're not alone. Whether you're a man or a woman, I've heard women with the same kinds of stories, and if anything, worse stories. One of my friends went out with a guy for months and they were in a relationship. Then he revealed that he's married, has a kid, is still living with his wife, and is not planning on getting divorced. My friend was his side piece. It's just all over. It's crazy. I don't understand. How do you live like that?
Do people get overwhelmed? Are they just done? It's easy for people to say, "Well, she didn't like you. You're a creep," or whatever. But she said she had fun. She looked like she had fun. She did enough work with the matchmaker to get out to the date in the first place.
She clearly was interested in this. It seemed like everything went well. I didn't send anything that would put her off. And the matchmaker is saying she gets the same kind of interaction with her. So I told the matchmaker, for future reference, with two matches left: if this woman responded to me at this point, I would say I'm no longer interested. If you take two days to respond to a simple text like that, when you could have just reacted to it, acknowledged it, or said "Let me check my calendar and get back to you tomorrow," that's it. Do you know how long that message takes to send? Fifteen, twenty seconds. I don't get it.
I made this with the hope of reaching people, because this seems to be happening all over the place, with all kinds of people. I don't understand why people are acting like this. I'm sure some dude will come in and say, "Hey, bro, her interest level wasn't high enough for you. If you had a car, you could have shown it off in the parking lot. If you had more money, you could have whipped your wallet out. If you were wearing a thousand-dollar outfit, if you were leaner." I'm sure a bunch of people will come along and say a bunch of dumb stuff that they try to sell you on. I don't think it would have mattered. I don't know that this woman wouldn't be acting the same way if she had gone out with a celebrity. It seems like people usually treat most other people the same way. People don't usually make huge exceptions and treat everybody differently.
The Queen, the park, and a devastating Tuesday night
You know what, though? I am grateful. I felt really bad after this, and it came right after I saw the woman I called the Queen, the one I was all excited about. I saw the Queen the day before this date, on Sunday, after not seeing her for six weeks, and spent an hour walking and talking with her. She didn't follow up with a text message, and she didn't respond to my last message either, even though it was a nice message thanking her. No response. We had an hour of talking, and she didn't follow up with a message at all. I figured that since I randomly ran into her at the park, I'd just let her reach out.
Then on Monday I went out with this woman at the Dali. She took six hours to respond. Then on Tuesday I ran by the Queen again, running in the same spot, and this time I just waved. And by Tuesday night I was devastated, because I realized this woman was ghosting me. She's not responding. And even if she does respond, I'm done. I don't care why you took two days to respond with no message. I don't care what your excuse is. At this point, there's no point in her even saying she's not interested. You take two days to respond with no message, and I'm good.
It's the same with a single mom I was going out with. It's been three days since she messaged, and I'm done. I'm good. I don't need to go out with her again. There are enough issues there. I asked her a few times about different days she was available, and she never suggested an alternative. I'm done. I am not going to put my time into dating someone where there's so little back-and-forth energy. This is nuts.
We can all do better than this
I feel like collectively, as human beings, we could do better than this. Yeah, sometimes it's easier to just not send anything. I get that. Who knows what happened in this woman's life? At the same time, though, I think we all can do better. I think we all can be more honest. If you don't like something about somebody, I think the kindest thing to do is to say it. I realize that women especially can sometimes be afraid of a guy getting upset. But if a woman does something on a date that's a huge red flag and totally turns me off, I'll tell her. If this woman does text me at some point, I'll say, "Look, you took too long to respond to that first message. That's a major red flag to me, and I'm not interested going forward." This is over to me, because I don't care what you were doing. If you don't respond to messages after a first date that seemed to go well, then either you're too overwhelmed and your life is too chaotic, or I'm too low a priority, and I'm not interested in fitting into that scenario.
Maybe matchmaking is just not my niche
At the same time, this helped me realize I have much bigger opportunities and possibilities. I'm on YouTube, and maybe matchmaking is just not going to work for me. I have not gotten one second date out of matchmaking. Sometimes the lesson is that you need to change your approach. I have two more matchmaking dates, and I'm not planning on paying for matchmaking again. In fact, I'm seeing that the best way forward for me is to bring women in from YouTube. Because maybe I'm not that special in those other settings.
I want a woman to be obsessed with me. I want a woman who responds to my messages and hearts all my messages. I was just talking with a woman who responds right away to all my messages and hearts all of them, and that's what I like. I want a woman who has some mutual enthusiasm and a high level of interest in me. Maybe for me, I need to bring that in from YouTube. Maybe these other dudes have their cars or their houses or their ultra-built-up bodies. I think all of us in dating need to find a unique angle where we can win in a unique way, some area of life where we're specialized.
I know someone with a really impressive job title who just cleans up on online dating. Women come straight over to their house, and half the time they get laid on a first date straight from a dating app. They consistently get matches. They have matches sitting there that they can't even do anything with. And it's literally their job title and a picture of their car. This person is using the assets they have. You could call getting laid on the first date winning in some ways. For the long term, maybe, maybe not. But they're using their assets in a way that is getting results. And I see that I need to be bringing women in from YouTube.
A dating show with first dates on Zoom
So I'm thinking I'm going to start a dating show and have first dates on Zoom with women, and then put them on YouTube. Obviously everything will be very clear and communicated. There will be an application, there won't be any surprises, and I'll edit anything that needs editing. I think I need to bring women in from YouTube, because maybe I'm a guy who doesn't impress women off a matchmaking service right away, doesn't stand out on online dating apps, and doesn't often impress a woman at a yoga class. But I know I am a guy that some women, women who feel like they can't find a guy they actually like, see in my videos and think, "You're all I want. I only want to dance with you." I know there are women all over the world, maybe not a lot, but women all over the world, who could fall in love with me from my YouTube videos. So I think we're going to maximize that angle.
The lesson I'm seeing is to stop doing things that are ineffective, and then don't tell stories about how the whole system doesn't work, because I'm sure there are people who do great with matchmaking. I know there are people who do great with online dating, people who do great with pickup in person, and people who do great at bars. You just have to find your niche. To me, YouTube is my niche, and we're going to work on that. I would love for Jerry Banfield dating to turn into first, second, and third Zoom dates with women. I think that would be amazing, and it would come out of my suffering from being ghosted on this date. If you saw her, heard everything she said, and saw me, I imagine a lot of you would think she ought to be pretty interested in this guy, superficially at least. Dope. All right, I'm out.
One more thing. If you like this shirt, you can buy it. This shirt is for sale on eBay, along with the shirt I met the Queen in. It's the shirt I wore on Who Are These Podcasts, it's listed and live right now, and you can own a piece of Jerry Banfield history along with my other shirts. If you want to follow every twist of this story, from matchmaking to the Zoom dating show, it's all in my Dating playlist. Thank you for reading, and I hope to see you again soon.
I Spent $5,000 on Matchmaking. 0 Second Dates. Here’s What I Learned.
From my video published September 4, 2026.
I've effectively wasted $5,000 on matchmaking. I've had eight matches with women, many of them amazing women, and zero second dates. The one redeeming factor I can pull out of this is that I've learned some very clear lessons I can share with you, so I hope you don't have to learn by blowing your money the same way I have. I also have $2,500 more on the books, which is four more women I'll be matched with, and that adds up to $625 for each individual match. I'm really excited to apply what I've learned from the first $5,000 of matchmaking to the next $2,500, and I have two of those dates coming up. So I'm going to run through this as a list of things I've learned that I hope you can identify with.
I'm available if you want to talk to me. I'm actually in the middle of dating right now, which makes this very relatable if you're a man dating after divorce, or a woman dating after divorce, especially with kids. I'm doing this right now. I've been putting in a lot of effort, trying everything, and focusing on the learning.
Lesson one: putting in effort on the phone is attractive
The number one thing I've learned from matchmaking dating, and the thing that has cost me second dates, is that at least these days, a lot of people expect you to put in significant effort on the phone. I've lost at least two second dates with women from matchmaking, which you could call a $1,250 mistake. Two women were very interested in me on the first date, very excited to give me their number, sent messages, and were excited to schedule a second date with me. Neither turned into a second date, because in each case, at some point I waited two days to text them. I didn't realize how much texting is expected.
Now, not every person works like this, but I erred on the side of putting less effort in on the phone to try to look more high value. I also figured that if I put less effort in on the phone, there was less chance to screw it up with any particular text I sent. But the number one lesson I've learned is that putting in effort is generally attractive, precisely because we only have so much effort to give, and therefore there are only so many people you can really text back and forth with. While in my mind I was signaling that I'm high value and have options, in some of these women's minds they were getting the message that I'm not that interested in them, that I'm probably dating other women, which is true, and that I'm not worth their time and there's no connection.
So going forward, I'll be texting women consistently, at the rate they're texting me or higher. I'll be at least matching their effort, if not consistently putting in a little bit more and initiating the messages. I'll be the one who's willing to double text. At the same time, I'm not saying to chase every woman around. If you text two, three, four times and she doesn't reply, that's different. But persistence and effort are very attractive. I was just listening to Jack Neal, the Tinder expert, in an interview titled "Insults Get More Dates: Why Women Hate Nice Guys" with Blaine Anderson. She didn't really even say that in the actual interview, but one thing she did say is that persistence and perseverance are attractive. What's unattractive, at least in my experience with most women, is a guy who won't even put much effort into texting. Occasionally a woman will put up with it if she's really crazy about the guy, but generally not. It was an expensive lesson for me to learn, but I'm so glad I know it now, and I'm going to be texting women a whole lot.
Lesson two: be willing to reject instead of getting rejected
The second big lesson I learned is to be willing to reject the other person, to say no thanks, instead of making them reject you. On the first couple of matchmaking dates, I didn't really like either of the women right away. The first one, as soon as I saw her and she started talking, I'm like, no, no. In that case, I should have ended the date much earlier, and not tried to lead her on and plan a second date and then put her in a position to reject me. I should have just said, look, I'm not feeling this. But in my mind, the default is often to try and make the best of whatever I've got in front of me. And there seems to be some kind of attraction in me to being the one who gets turned down, because it feels easier than being the one who says no.
I just went out on a date with a woman I met through a mixer, and I rejected her pretty hard on the date. I did a video about this before: what she said about disciplining children was absolutely awful in my mind, and I told her that. I said, that's a major red flag for me, that's not compatible with me at all. I very clearly told her, this is the red flag, this is the reason, and this is not going to work with me, so at least she can learn for the future. But with the first couple of women from matchmaking, instead of cutting the date off as soon as possible, which is what I've learned to do since my time is valuable, I kept going. With both of those women I knew right away I wasn't attracted to them, and when they started talking, it got worse. The self-respecting thing to do would have been to end the date as soon as possible, at 30 minutes or an hour, and say: thank you for your time, I know this isn't the right connection for me, if you want more detailed feedback I'll provide it, but let's wrap this up and I'm going to head out. Thank you for meeting me tonight. That would have been the most honest thing to do.
Instead, I just kept talking enough that it was like I was intentionally throwing out red flags to get them to say they weren't feeling it. And from there, I ended up feeling like, oh, no woman wants me, because these women I didn't even want were saying they didn't want me. It makes it harder to keep your own self-confidence when you're acting like that. Two women ago, on the other hand, I felt sad. I felt empathy for her, because she seemed to really like me. She was giving me a lot of high-interest signs, like making hours available to go out on our first date, and she was super excited.
Lesson three: never think you're not good enough for her
On my third match, I could see her doing what I had been doing. My third match from the matchmaking service was finally a woman who was very attractive, very professionally successful, and fun, and she was more than a decade younger than me. I was like, oh my God, this is so amazing, I'm out with her. And I slipped into being insecure and trying to brag, feeling like I wasn't good enough for her. That's a really bad look, because I am good enough for any woman. There's no woman who's out of my league. In my own mind, I'm a top-tier man for what I have to offer. If you want to date the richest, most powerful guy, then at least right now that's not going to work with me, but I know what I have to offer, and I'm very proud of it. There's no woman I'm going to go out with where I'm going to think, well, I'm not good enough for her.
So there's no reason for you to ever have a story in your head that you're not good enough for somebody else. Often, when you feel like you're not good enough, you'll start trying to compensate, and ironically, the compensation is really unattractive. It proves the exact thing you're trying not to prove.
For example, the woman I went out with who talked about disciplining kids: I could tell she was trying really hard to compensate with me, which is funny, because in my mind she was really attractive. She's very active and fit, she's got a good business, and from my point of view she was definitely good enough. I don't see why she was compensating so badly, but she was bragging a whole lot, talking a bunch of junk, and putting other people down. You could see she was coming from a place of being overly excited to be out with me. She didn't feel good enough, so she tried to compensate, and her compensation put me off a lot. I ended up leaving feeling like, this is not right at all, I've got to get out of here. At the end of the date she said, well, I guess I'll be okay if I'm by myself for the rest of my life. I told her I didn't think that's what was going to happen. And she said, well, we need to give people a chance, a second and a third date, to really get to know them. I'd been saying the same thing to some of these women before, but I realized that with certain levels of behavior, no, you're not going to get another chance.
And the way I acted on my third match, I'm not getting another chance either. I showed up trying to brag that I've gotten a billion views online, and then when she talked about her career, I had to bring in my family and their careers to feel like it was appropriate that we were out together. At the end of the date, I was really weak asking for her phone number, not confident at all. I was simping so badly. Then I radically overcompensated on the fourth date and went overboard with "I'm good enough," and I was too avoidant. That's how I ended up not texting that woman after the fourth date.
The fifth match: she said I wasn't physically attractive
On the fifth match, I at least did reject the woman. She said she didn't find me physically attractive after we had already scheduled a second date, so I canceled the second date on her. I'm like, that's not going to work. If you're saying that right now, I don't know if you're just saying it or if you really mean it, but I'm not dealing with that. So on the fifth one, I did stand up and say, look, that's not going to work for me. You go out with some other guys you do find attractive, and I'm going to be with a woman who does find me attractive, because I am a good-looking guy, and there are women who are really excited to be out with me. Sometimes you just shouldn't expect every date to work out.
Lesson four: schedule active dates
That date also helped me see that she didn't have a chance to see I was physically attractive, because we had a sit-down dinner date. Compare that to the queen. When I went out with her, we did a hot yoga class together. I've got my shirt off, I'm sweating, I'm enduring all these poses, and I'm outlasting the other guys in the room except for one dude who's super ripped and in crazy shape. The other dudes and some of the women are having to quit. I'm showing that I'm strong and physically attractive. That helped me see that I need to have active dates whenever possible, to help a woman see me move. It's going to be hard to show a woman anything besides basically my face if we're just sitting down at a dinner. So I've learned to schedule a lot more active dates: coffee dates, tennis dates, dates where we can move and walk. You can see how my body moves and how I walk, how very healthy I am, versus just sitting at a table where it's hard to see that someone is that physically attractive and lean. You just don't have that much time.
Lesson five: a date should be fun, and dress for it
On the sixth match, I went out with a woman and it was like my clothes didn't match my personality. I was just kind of boring. I was in interview mode, and a date first and foremost should be fun. I realized that one of the main things women are looking for on a date is flirtation and fun. You can always ask some interview questions, but I was treating that sixth match like a job interview, asking where do you work and all that crap. It was boring, and my clothes were boring. I had a blue Under Armour polo on with some shorts and tennis shoes, and I could tell she was dressed up nicer than that, even for a 9am coffee date.
I realized I do have nicer, more formal dinner clothes. I spent about a thousand dollars when people were telling me my clothes sucked, and I got some really nice clothes that are great. I wear those shirts for recording my videos a lot of the time, and they're great for going out to dinner or somewhere you dress up a bit more. Some of the women I went to dinner with were certainly satisfied with my clothes, at least. One of them found me attractive right up until I stopped texting her. But those clothes are too over the top for a coffee date. They look like you're trying too hard. You still need to look good, though. So I went out yesterday and spent $500 to get a nice short-sleeve shirt that also looks beautiful, plus some chino shorts that don't even hit my knees, so you can see I've got the kind of legs that gay guys will hit on me for in the grocery store. I've got some serious calf muscles from playing tennis and running. I'm in shape, I'm lean, and my legs are very strong, and now I've got shorts that show that off. I've got shirts that look beautiful and colorful and match my personality, which is colorful. I'm not a boring corporate guy. I'm a pretty colorful content creator. And I got some nice, fresh, brand new shoes that go with the outfits.
Especially if you're on a matchmaking service, these women expect that you had enough money to pay for it. I showed up to the eighth match in a plain t-shirt, because I felt like I'd been trying too hard and hadn't had a great coffee date, so I just put in no effort at all. Between that and not texting her, she did like the actual experience of being on the date with me, but it's very easy: somebody doesn't text you for a couple of days, then you reflect back and think, well, he didn't dress up, this guy's just not putting in any effort. Especially on a matchmaking service, these women are expecting effort. They're expecting you to show up and look nice. On the plus side, I've got a watch I've worn on all the dates that looks good.
The seventh match I threw away
Then there was the seventh match. I had committed to the queen, so I canceled the seventh match and basically blew a $625 match, which was a total waste. I wouldn't do that again.
Why I don't regret the $5,000
So I'm grateful. In some ways you could say I just threw this $5,000 out the window with zero second dates, but I'm learning rapidly, and I'm teaching this. If you can interpret everything as learning, getting better at the game, understanding how things work, and setting yourself up to help other people, then you can see this as $5,000 I invested in learning how to date. Now I've got a dating channel that's monetized. I've got dating coaching available, and I have calls. I'm in the middle of dating right now. I've gone out with around 25 women this year, a new woman every week or two, and I'm about to get back on dating apps, which is going to speed that up even more. Most of this year I haven't even used dating apps. These have been women from matchmaking, meeting women in person, cold approach, referrals through friends, and a handful from dating apps too.
To me, we spend a lot of money on things like education, and investing $5,000 to get dates with eight different women and learn lessons from each of those dates has been very valuable. Now I've got two more matchmaking dates coming up within the next week. I've got my clothes on point. And I also know that no matter who the woman is, no matter how hot she is, how smart she is, how much money she might appear to have, or how much fun she is, I should never think I'm not good enough for her. I'm good enough for the woman, no matter who she is. And the more I desire her, the more I might be a great match for her. Women generally like to be desired. They want to be with a man who desires them, not some guy who's like, yeah, I guess you're all right. That's what my ex-wife loved: how much I desired her. I was nuts for her, and she loved that. My friend, who's been on this planet a long time, said one of the top things that makes a woman like you is that she can feel how much you desire her, while at the same time you feel like you're an appropriate match for each other. Not "I desire you and I'm not good enough," but "I'm good enough for you, I really like you, and I desire you a lot."
Matchmaking is dating on hard mode
So the matchmaking money I've spent, I would not take back if I could. It's been really valuable. What I've learned in matchmaking has helped me with women in person, and it's setting me up to do better on dating apps too. I'm grateful I still have four more matches left. In all my other methods of dating this year, I've only met one woman who was on par with the matches I've consistently gotten from matchmaking. Matchmaking is like playing dating on the harder difficulty. Many of these women I wouldn't have been able to get on a date through dating apps, or I would have had to do a lot of cold approach and go a lot of places to meet these kinds of quality women. It's felt like I've been playing on hard mode. Somebody said, oh, none of these matches are ever going to work out. I'm like, that's not true. I know what I have to offer, and I'm putting in the effort. Every one of these lessons is going into my Dating playlist as I go.
That is enough for this one. If you want to talk to me, go to jerrybanfield.com. Thanks for reading.
My Third Tawkify Match Didn't Text Back After the First Date
From my video published June 15, 2026.
Waking Up Sure She Won't Reply
I woke up this morning and felt so down after last night when I had my third Talkify match, first date, really liked her. And now today I'm feeling like there's no point even texting her. Why even bother following up? She's probably not going to respond. It's funny because she put in her profile. She appreciated somebody with an optimistic outlook. And my outlook is so negative and toxic. I'm like, this isn't going anywhere. And I know it. It'd be better if I never even texted her. But I just got to know for sure.
The Sleepless Night After the Date
I had a hard time sleeping last night, which is unusual. I woke up at two in the morning and was up for a couple of hours. My body was so stimulated by the time with her that it was difficult to even calm down, although I did what I could to try and help the process along. I got up and I'm like anxious, which is unusual. I'm like, when am I going to text her? What am I going to text her? I don't even want to text her. I don't even if I just don't message her and she wasn't even going to reply, then I feel like at least I'm in a better position.
Then again, I realized that I might be wrong. This is really toxic thinking and it's fine. So here I go. Let's just see what happens.
Starting the Day in the Studio
The kids have off of school today. I'm playing tennis later. So I start the day out working on getting the studio setting up and the lighting just right. And it seems like it's going pretty well. I crank out a crypto video and thank God for all the validation from my crypto audience. Really appreciate all the likes and all the shares on my Jerry Banfield ICP channel. All the comments is the constant affirmation is really nice. Then my friend texts me. He says he can work on my car today and flush my brake fluid. It'll be $150 and he's ready at noon. I'm like, awesome, because I need to get out of my house and talk to somebody.
I did take a walk by Crescent Lake today to try and just clear my head. And get to work. And I go to see my friend at noon and I just pour my heart out with him. Having someone to talk it through with is everything on a day like this, so if you ever want to pour out your own dating situation and get some honest feedback, you can book a private call with me and bring it to our call.
Googling How to Text a Girl at 41
I watched several videos on YouTube talking about how to text a girl the next day, which was ridiculous. I'm 41 years old. I've been out with a lot of girls in especially in my 20s. And I already had a successful marriage for 13 years, although some would say it's not successful because we got divorced. But I really enjoyed most of the marriage. The dating went really well. We have got two beautiful kids that are healthy and that we love. It's awesome. So I'd say that went pretty well. And yet I feel like I'm just doing this stuff for the first time. I'm like, I watched this girl's video.
The strange part is how new all of this feels even after years of dating and a long marriage, which is exactly what I wrote about in I Can't Date Like I Did 15 Years Ago.
She's like, yeah, text, send a text the next day at noon. Send a two part text one saying thank you for a nice night and two, whatever you want to do next. My friend tells me maybe you should just text and see how she's feeling. I'm like, no, he's like, well, just be yourself. I'm like, myself is very direct. Myself is saying, like, hey, I get my phone out while I'm my friends working on my car and I send the following text message, which is it says I exchanged numbers at the end of the date. So I said, do you want to play pickleball on Sunday afternoon based on what she told me about herself and her schedule?
That seemed like it worked perfectly.
No Reply Is Its Own Answer
And do you think I get a reply all day? Nope. No reply, which no reply is a reply. No reply is apathy. Or something's not working. A no reply is a clear no. And I'm just so I'm so annoyed. I'm like, why do I do this to myself? I just shouldn't even date women. And I then grieve, the loss of my ex some more. And I'm glad this process is clearly helping me. But I go home and I'm just like, I know she's not going to reply. And sometimes knowing what's going to happen and being right and having an intuition is annoying. It's like I shouldn't even have sent the message.
Getting no response stings every time, and I worked through a similar gut punch with my matchmaker in A Single Mom Ghosted Me — and My Dating Coach's Response Was Epic.
I already knew she wasn't going to reply. And I just end up feeling stupid.
Not Dumping My Feelings on My Kids
The kids come over right after I get home from getting a car serviced. I'm clearly very sad. And what's nice, though, I don't dump my feelings on them like there's a lot of us end up dumping our feelings on other people, especially the people that are always putting on a happy face and acting like everything's fine, often do very subtle, nasty, manipulative things emotionally to dump feelings on. Other people, especially kids or people like me that are sensitive and I got to be careful and not let people dump their feelings on me. And I'm grateful that my kids have a great time with me and they don't get any of my feelings dumped on them.
We play settlers like a tan and they struggle getting the board set up that they won. Jack wanted to put his settlement there and Madeline wanted to put hers in the same spot and she put hers there first. And but we get through that. We play the game. I managed to win, even though it didn't look like I was going to win. I got all these victory points off of the development cards I bought, which and I got the most nights. So then the kids go play some Roblox on the new setup I've got in here, which they really like. Then the kids head out.
I give my ex a hug and tell her the basics of how it went. And then, I have a really good, like hard cry after everybody leaves. I listen to some Kesha like dancing with tears in my eyes. That was one of my old like 15 year ago cry song and I'm just like sobbing. I'm feeling so much emotion that I start to feel like I'm like I've got angel wings or, like that I'm this fiery bird. Like I start to transcend the ordinary day to day reality. And I love that. Like feeling intense emotions is a way to kind of get into your best, highest level spiritual self.
And God, I felt them today. I went to play tennis. I'm so grateful to hang out with all the guys playing tennis. I played tennis again. I played tennis this first guy and I come out with my serve and volley strategy and win a couple of games. But he fights back. We end up getting tied five to five. We do a tiebreaker that goes to eight to ten. He wins. And it was a great workout. I play the next guy who I beat last week, like five to one. He beats me like five to two this week, destroying me. His serves just acing me, which he couldn't get him in last week.
Then I play the next guy and we're just laughing and hitting balls all over the place and he wins.
Pouring My Heart Out at the AA Meeting
And then I head home to shower, get my nice clothes on, go chair my AA meeting. And I pour my heart out about people being really raw and vulnerable has helped me love people and stay sober. I talk about how crushed I was that I didn't hear back from this girl and how predictable it was and how I already knew it was going to happen. I didn't share about all that, but I share like a really heartfelt topic and about loving people and staying sober and AA. And my grand sponsor now, he poured his heart out at meetings. And the meetings, I don't know, I don't know.
The meeting goes incredible. There's almost maybe there's like 60, 70 people. It's a very full room. My ego is very satisfied. I'm like, this is how many people should be in an AA meeting I'm leading. And the topic really hits deeply. There's a lot of really heartfelt shares, whereas sometimes the topic person does the opposite. They share some surface level crap and the meeting's basically useless. But the meeting tonight's deep. Even one girl shares that she always just performs when she's sharing and she has a hard time really being vulnerable in a room full of people like me. Like I'm I can do it because I saw people who did it and I did that.
I come home from the meeting. I'd stay for like 30 minutes talking with people afterwards. So many people shake my hand and I'm like, thank you. This is what I need to kind of to feel better. And I know that even though today's been an emotionally down day where I just feel hollowed out, that I've grown, that I've learned, I've got all kinds of ideas for videos. I'm inspired that I need to make my videos like this. Like if somebody's searching for an experience that somebody's not going to having a talk if I date that, bam, you find my video like here's my third talk if I date exactly how it went and the matchmaker I gave them.
I'm turning these dating experiences into videos so other people can see how it really goes, and you can follow the whole series in my my Dating playlist.
Being around people who show up raw and honest is what keeps me going, and if you want that same honesty in your corner, you can set up a call with me.
I gave great feedback on this girl. I gave my matchmaker positive feedback like I thought this was a great match for me. Now, does the girl think I was a great match for her? I don't know.
Why I'll Keep Showing Up Anyway
But I imagine if I keep doing this, I will find a second wife and have more kids with her and have a really happy second marriage. Then someday I'll be like 60 and be doing videos on my third wife. I don't know.
My Third Tawkify Match: First Date Story
From my video published June 15, 2026.
I had my third match from the Tawkify matchmaking service and went out on a first date — a true blind date based on just a couple paragraphs of a profile, no photos. Here's the honest recap, the grief and excitement included.
Grief before the date
Leading up to it, I was surprised to be hit with grief, thinking about how excited I was meeting my now-ex-wife 15 years ago. It would have been nice if things had worked out — and at the same time, I'm genuinely happy for this new adventure, and glad my kids get to see a side of their dad I never saw in mine: dating again. I had a full day (a hot power yoga flow, a call about YouTube ads, an AA meeting, filming) before getting ready.
The date
She showed up about 15 minutes late, which didn't impress me — but she was pretty, fit, playful, moving to the music, and very much alive. We had a great intellectual conversation, and she was the first match who didn't immediately probe into my divorce. I shared some of my wilder stories on purpose (like remembering being born) because if someone doesn't like that, we shouldn't go on a second date — and even if I never see her again, I've left something memorable. I kept it to a hug at the end and exchanged numbers, because I want to actually get to know someone before diving in, unlike the "making out on the first date" approach.
The spiral
I walked off and immediately started spiraling — "here we go again, there won't be a second date, I got excited for nothing" — even though my body was buzzing with energy and I genuinely liked her. It was still great validation: I felt honored to be out with someone pretty and accomplished, having a great time, which is what I'd imagined being divorced could be like. I went home, walked around the park, called my sponsor and my mom, played some video games, and went to bed to see what the next day would bring. If you want more, watch my dating playlist here.